The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Parody Anthology, by Carolyn Wells.

Transcriber's Note: This cover has been created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

A Parody Anthology

BY
CAROLYN WELLS
AUTHOR OF “A NONSENSE ANTHOLOGY"

NEW YORK
CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
1919

NOTE

Acknowledgment is hereby gratefully made to the publishers of the various parodies for permission to include them in this compilation.

The parodies from “Diversions of the Echo Club," by Bayard Taylor, and Mary and Her Lamb, from “New Waggings of Old Tales," by Frank Dempster Sherman, are published by permission of Messrs. Houghton, Mifflin & Company.

By the courtesy of John Lane are included the parodies of Anthony C. Deane, from his volume “New Rhymes for Old;" and those of Owen Seaman, from volumes “In Cap and Bells" and “The Battle of the Bays."

Bed During Exams is from “Cap and Gown," published by Messrs. L. C. Page & Company.

The Golfer's Rubaiyat, by H. C. Boynton, is from “A Book of American Humorous Verse," published by Messrs. Herbert S. Stone & Company.

Staccato to O Le Lupe is from “Last Scenes from Vagabondia," by Bliss Carman and Richard Hovey, published by Messrs. Small, Maynard & Company.

The following are published by Charles Scribner's Sons: Song, from “The Book of Joyous Children," by James Whitcomb Riley; Home Sweet Home, and Imitation, from “Poems" of H. C. Bunner; and Song of a Heart, and Godiva, from “Overheard in a Garden," by Oliver Herford.

After Omar Khayyam		Page
The Golfer's Rubaiyat	H. W. Boynton	3
An Omar for Ladies	Josephine Daskam Bacon	5
The Modern Rubaiyat	Kate Masterson	7
Lines Written by Request	Owen Seaman	10
The Baby's Omar	Carolyn Wells	12
After Chaucer
Ye Clerke of ye Wethere	Anonymous	14
After Spenser
A Portrait	John Keats	15
After Shakespeare
The Bachelor's Soliloquy	Anonymous	17
Poker	Anonymous	18
Toothache	Anonymous	19
A Dreary Song	Shirley Brooks	20
To the Stall-holders at a Fancy Fair	W. S. Gilbert	21
Song	J. W. Riley	22
The Whist Player's Soliloquy	Carolyn Wells	23
After Wither
Answer to Master Wither's Song	Ben Jonson	25
After Herrick
Song	Oliver Herford	27
To Julia Under Lock and Key	Owen Seaman	27
After Nursery Rhymes
An Idyll of Phatte and Leene	Anonymous	29
Nursery Song in Pidgin English	Anonymous	30
[x]The House that Jack Built	Samuel Taylor Coleridge	31
Boston Nursery Rhymes	Rev. Joseph Cook	32
A Song of a Heart	Oliver Herford	33
The Domicile of John	A. Pope	34
Mary and the Lamb	Frank Dempster Sherman	37
After Waller
The Aesthete to the Rose	Punch	40
After Dryden
Three Blessings	Anonymous	41
Oyster Crabs	Carolyn Wells	41
After Dr. Watts
The Voice of the Lobster	Lewis Carroll	42
The Crocodile	Lewis Carroll	43
After Goldsmith
When Lovely Woman	Phœbe Cary	44
After Burns
Gaelic Speech	Anonymous	45
My Foe	Anonymous	46
Rigid Body Sings	J. C. Maxwell	48
After Catherine Fanshawe
Cockney Enigma on the Letter H	Horace Mayhew	49
After Wordsworth
On Wordsworth	Anonymous	51
Jacob	Phœbe Cary	51
Fragment	Catherine M. Fanshawe	52
Jane Smith	Rudyard Kipling	54
Only Seven	Henry S. Leigh	55
Lucy Lake	Newton Mackintosh	57
After Sir Walter Scott
Young Lochinvar	Anonymous	58
After Coleridge
The Ancient Mariner	Anonymous	61
Striking	Charles S. Calverley	64
[xi] After Southey
The Old Man's Cold	Anonymous	66
Father William	Lewis Carroll	67
Lady Jane	A. T. Quiller-Couch	69
After Campbell
The New Arrival	George W. Cable	72
John Thompson's Daughter	Phœbe Cary	73
After Thomas Moore
The Last Cigar	Anonymous	76
'Twas Ever Thus	Anonymous	77
There's a Bower of Bean-Vines	Phœbe Cary	78
Disaster	Charles S. Calverley	79
Sarah's Halls	Judy	80
'Twas Ever Thus	Henry S. Leigh	81
After Jane Taylor
The Bat	Lewis Carroll	82
After Barry Cornwall
The Tea	Tom Hood, Jr.	83
After Byron
The Rout of Belgravia	Jon Duan	84
A Grievance	J. K. Stephen	85
After Charles Wolfe
The Burial of the Bachelor	Anonymous	88
Not a Sou had He Got	R. Harris Barham	89
The Marriage of Sir John Smith	Phœbe Cary	91
After Mrs. Hemans
The Thyroid Gland	R. M.	93
After Keats
Ode on a Jar of Pickles	Bayard Taylor	94
After Heine
Imitation	H. C. Bunner	96
Commonplaces	Rudyard Kipling	97
[xii] After Hood
The Dripping Sheet	Anonymous	98
I Remember, I Remember	Phœbe Cary	101
After Alfred Bunn
A Yule Tide Parody	Anonymous	103
Self-Evident	J. R. Planché	104
After Lord Macaulay
The Laureate's Tourney	William Aytoun	105
After Emerson
Mutton	Anonymous	113
After Mary Howitt
The Lobster Quadrille	Lewis Carroll	114
After Mrs. Browning
In the Gloaming	Charles S. Calverley	116
Gwendoline	Bayard Taylor	118
After Longfellow
The Modern Hiawatha	Anonymous	120
Higher	Anonymous	120
Topside Galah	Anonymous	122
Excelsior	Anonymous	124
The Day is Done	Phœbe Cary	126
A Psalm of Life	Phœbe Cary	127
How Often	Ben King	129
Desolation	Thomas Masson	130
The Birds and the Pheasant	Punch	131
After Whittier
Hiram Hover	Bayard Taylor	133
After Mrs. Norton
The Horse and his Master	Philip F. Allen	136
The New Version	W. J. Lampton	138
After Poe
What Troubled Poe's Raven	John Bennett	139
The Amateur Flute	Anonymous	140
Samuel Brown	Phœbe Cary	142
The Promissory Note	Bayard Taylor	143
[xiii]The Cannibal Flea	Tom Hood, Jr.	145
Annabel Lee	Stanley Huntley	147
The Bells	Judy	148
The Goblin Goose	Punch	150
After Lord Houghton
Love and Science	Anonymous	153
After Tennyson
The Bather's Dirge	Tennyson Minor	155
Little Miss Muffet	Anonymous	156
The Musical Pitch	Anonymous	158
To an Importunate Host	Anonymous	158
The Village Choir	Anonymous	159
The Biter Bit	William Aytoun	161
The Laureate	William Aytoun	163
The Lay of the Lovelorn	William Aytoun	165
In Immemoriam	Cuthbert Bede	174
Sir Eggnogg	Bayard Taylor	175
Godiva	Oliver Herford	177
A Laureate's Log	Punch	178
The Recognition	Wm. Sawyer	180
The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell	A. C. Swinburne	180
Timbuctoo	W. M. Thackeray	183
After Tupper
Of Friendship	Charles S. Calverley	185
Of Reading	Charles S. Calverley	186
After Thackeray
The Willow-Tree	W. M. Thackeray	188
After Charles Dickens
Man's Place in Nature	Anonymous	191
After Robert Browning
Home Truths from Abroad	Anonymous	193
After Browning	Anonymous	194
The Cock and the Bull	Charles S. Calverley	195
A Staccato to O Le Lupe	Bliss Carman	200
[xiv]By the Sea	Bayard Taylor	203
Angelo Orders his Dinner	Bayard Taylor	205
The Flight of the Bucket	Rudyard Kipling	206
The Jam Pot	Rudyard Kipling	210
Imitation of Robert Browning	J. K. Stephen	210
The Last Ride Together	J. K. Stephen	212
Up the Spout	A. C. Swinburne	215
After Walt Whitman
An American, one of the Roughs, a Kosmos	Anonymous	219
Camerados	Bayard Taylor	220
Imitation of Whitman	Judy	221
Imitation of Whitman	J. K. Stephen	224
The Poet and the Woodlouse	A. C. Swinburne	224
After Charles Kingsley
Three Little Fishers	Frank H. Stauffer	229
The Three Poets	Lilian Whiting	230
After Mrs. R. H. Stoddard
The Nettle	Bayard Taylor	231
After Bayard Taylor
Hadramaut	Bayard Taylor	233
After William Morris
Estunt the Griff	Rudyard Kipling	235
After Alfred Austin
An Ode	Anthony C. Deane	237
After W. S. Gilbert
Ode to a London Fog	Anonymous	239
President Garfield	Anonymous	240
Propinquity Needed	Charles Battell Loomis	241
After R. H. Stoddard
The Cantelope	Bayard Taylor	243
After A. A. Proctor
The Lost Voice	A. H. S.	244
The Lost Ape	J. W. G. W.	245
The Lost Word	C. H. Webb	246
[xv] After George Meredith
At the Sign of the Cock	Owen Seaman	248
After D. G. Rossetti
A Christmas Wail	Anonymous	252
Ballad	Charles S. Calverley	253
Cimabuella	Bayard Taylor	255
The Poster Girl	Carolyn Wells	257
After Jean Ingelow
Lovers, and a Reflection	Charles S. Calverley	259
The Shrimp Gatherers	Bayard Taylor	261
After Christina Rossetti
Remember	Judy	263
After Lewis Carroll
Waggawocky	Shirley Brooks	264
The Vulture and the Husband-Man	A. C. Hilton	265
After A. C. Swinburne
Gillian	Anonymous	268
Atalanta in Camden-town	Lewis Carroll	270
The Manlet	Lewis Carroll	272
If	Mortimer Collins	274
The Maid of the Meerschaum	Rudyard Kipling	275
Quaeritur	Rudyard Kipling	277
A Melton Mowbray Pork-pie	Richard Le Gallienne	278
Foam and Fangs	Walter Parke	278
A Song of Renunciation	Owen Seaman	279
Nephelidia	A. C. Swinburne	282
The Lay of Macaroni	Bayard Taylor	284
After Bret Harte
The Heathen Pass-ee	A. C. Hilton	286
De Tea Fabula	A. T. Quiller-Couch	289
After Austin Dobson
The Prodigals	Anonymous	292
After Andrew Lang
Bo-Peep	Anthony C. Deane	294
[xvi] After W. E. Henley
Imitation	Anthony C. Deane	296
After R. L. Stevenson
Bed During Exams	Clara Warren Vail	298
After Oscar Wilde
More Impressions	Oscuro Wildgoose	299
Nursery Rhymes à la Mode	Anonymous	299
A Maudle-In Ballad	Punch	300
Quite the Cheese	H. C. Waring	302
After William Watson
The Three Mice	Anthony C. Deane	304
After Kipling
Fuzzy Wuzzy Leaves Us	E. P. C.	305
A Ballad	Guy Wetmore Carryl	307
Jack and Jill	Anthony C. Deane	309
The Legend of Realism	Hilda Johnson	313
After Stephen Phillips
Little Jack Horner	Anthony C. Deane	315
After Fiona McLeod
The Cult of the Celtic	Anthony C. Deane	317
After Various Writers of Vers de Société
Behold the Deeds	H. C. Bunner	319
Culture in the Slums	W. E. Henley	322
A Ballade of Ballade-Mongers	Augustus Moore	322
After Various Popular Songs
Beautiful Snow	Anonymous	324
The Newest Thing in Christmas Carols	Anonymous	325
The Tale of Lord Lovell	Anonymous	326
“Songs Without Words"	Robert J. Burdette	327
The Elderly Gentleman	George Canning	328
Turtle Soup	Lewis Carroll	329
Some Day	F. P. Doveton	329
If I Should Die To-night	Ben King	331
[xvii]A Love Song	Dean Swift	331
Old Fashioned Fun	W. M. Thackeray	333
Themes with Variations
Home Sweet Home with Variations	H. C. Bunner	334
Modern Versification on Ancient Themes
Goose à la Mode	E. Cavazza	346
Three Children Sliding		346
Jack and Jill	E. Cavazza	347
Jack and Jill	Charles Battell Loomis	348
The Rejected “National Hymns"	Robert Henry Newell	352
A Theme with Variations	Barry Pain	356
The Poets at Tea	Barry Pain	359
The Poets at a House Party	Carolyn Wells	363
An Old Song by New Singers	A. C. Wilkie	368
Index of Titles		375
Index of Authors		385
Index of Authors Parodied		395

INTRODUCTION
PARODY AS A FINE ART

THE fact that parody has been ably defended by many of the world's best minds proves that it is an offensive measure, at least from some viewpoints. But an analysis of the arguments for and against seems to show that parody is a true and legitimate branch of art, whose appreciation depends upon the mental bias of the individual.

To enjoy parody, one must have an intense sense of the humorous and a humorous sense of the intense; and this, of course, presupposes a mental attitude of wide tolerance and liberal judgments.

Parodies are not for those who cannot understand that parody is not necessarily ridicule. Like most other forms of literature, unless the intent of the writer be thoroughly understood and appreciated, the work is of little value to the reader.

The defenders of parody have sometimes endeavored to prove that it has an instructive value, and that it has acted as a reforming influence[xxii] against mannerisms and other glaring defects. One enthusiastic partisan confidently remarks: “It may gently admonish the best and most established writer, when, from haste, from carelessness, from over-confidence, he is in danger of forfeiting his reputation; it may gently lead the tyro, while there is yet time, from the wrong into the right path." But this ethical air-castle is rudely shattered by facts, for what established writer ever changed his characteristic effects as a result of the parodies upon his works, or what tyro was ever parodied?

It has been said, too, that a good parody makes us love the original work better; but this statement seems to lack satisfactory proof except, perhaps, on the principle that a good parody may lead us to know the original work more thoroughly.

Perhaps the farthest fetched argument of the zealous advocates of the moral virtues of parody is found in Lord Jeffrey's review of the well-known “Rejected Addresses," where he says, “The imitation lets us more completely into the secret of the original author, and enables us to understand far more clearly in what the peculiarity of his manner consists than most of us would ever have done without this assistance." If this be true at all, it is exemplified in very few instances,[xxiii] and is one of the least of the minor reasons for the existence of a parody.

The main intent of the vast majority of parodies is simply to amuse; but to amuse intelligently and cleverly. This aim is quite high enough, and is in no way strengthened or improved by the bolstering up qualities of avowed virtuous influences.

The requirements of the best parody are in a general way simply the requirements of the best literature of any sort; but, specifically, the true parodist requires an exact mental balance, a fine sense of proportion and relative values, good-humor, refinement, and unerring taste. Self-control and self-restraint are also needed; a parodist may go to the very edge, but he must not fall over.

The fact that poor parodies outnumber the good ones in the ratio of about ten to one (which is not an unusual percentage in any branch of literature), is because a wide and generous sense of humor is so rarely found in combination with the somewhat circumscribed quality of good taste. It is, therefore, on account of the abuse of parody, and not the use of it, that a defence of the art has been found necessary.

The parody has the sanction of antiquity, and though its absolute origin is uncertain, and various[xxiv] “Fathers of Parody" have been named, it is safe to assume that it began with the Greeks. The Romans, too, indulged in it, and its continuance has been traced all through the Middle Ages; but these ancient parodies, however acceptable in their time, are of little interest to us now, save as heirlooms. Their wit is coarse, their humor heavy; they are usually caustic and often irreverent.

In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries the art of parody began to improve, and during the nineteenth it rose to a height that demanded recognition from the literary world.

It is interesting to note that the age of English parody was ushered in by such masterpieces as the “Rolliad" and the “Anti-Jacobin," followed by the “Rejected Addresses" and the “Bon Gaultier Ballads." Later came Thackeray, Calverley, Swinburne and Lewis Carroll, also Bayard Taylor, Bret Harte, and Phœbe Cary. More modern still is the work of Rudyard Kipling, Anthony C. Deane, H. C. Bunner, and Owen Seaman.

Though some of these are classed among the minor poets, they are all major parodists and approach their work armed at all points.

The casual critic of parodies, as a rule, divides them into two classes, which, though under various forms of terminology, resolve themselves into[xxv] parodies of sound and parodies of sense. But there are really three great divisions, which may be called “word-rendering," “form-rendering," and “sense-rendering."

The first, mere word-rendering, is simply an imitation of the original, and depends for its interest entirely upon the substitution of a trivial or commonplace motive for a lofty one, and following as nearly as possible the original words.

Form-rendering is the imitation of the style of an author, preferably an author given to mannerisms or affectation of some sort. The third division, sense-rendering, is by far the most meritorious, and utilizes not only the original writer's diction and style, but follows a train of thought precisely along the lines that he would have pursued from the given premises.

This class of parody is seen at its best in Catherine Fanshawe's “Imitation of Wordsworth," and Calverley's “The Cock and the Bull."

But though parodies of this sort are of more serious worth, the other classes show examples quite as good in their own way.

Lewis Carroll's immortal parody of Southey's “Father William" is merely a burlesque of the word-rendering type, yet it is perfect of its kind and defies adverse criticism.

Miss Cary was a pioneer of parody in America and one of the few women writers who have done clever work of this sort. Miss Cary's parodies are numerous and uniformly first-class examples of their kind. They are collected in a small book, now out of print, and are well worth reading.

Of course, parodies which burlesque the actual words of the original are necessarily parodies of some particular poem, and often not so good an imitation of the style of the author.

More difficult than the parody of a particular poem is the imitation or burlesque of the literary style of an author. To accomplish this, the parodist must be himself a master of style, a student of language, and possessed of a power of mimicry with an instant appreciation of opportunities.

“Diversions of the Echo Club," by Bayard Taylor, are among the best of this class of parodies. Aside from their cleverness they are marked by good taste, fairness, justice, and a true poetic instinct.

Naturally, parodies of literary style are founded on the works of those authors whose individual characteristics invite imitation.

Parody is inevitable where sense is sacrificed to sound, where affectations of speech are evident, or where unwarrantable extravagance of any sort is[xxvii] indulged in. This explains the numerous (and usually worthless) parodies of Walt Whitman.

Swinburne and Browning are often parodied for these (perhaps only apparent) reasons, and the poets of the æsthetic school of course offered especially fine opportunities.

Parodies of Rossetti and his followers are often exceedingly funny, though not at all difficult to write, as the originals both in manner and matter fairly invite absurd incongruities.

Nursery Rhymes seem to find favor with the parodists as themes to work upon. A collection of Mother Goose's Melodies as they have been reset by clever pens, would be both large and interesting.

The masters of parody, however, are as a rule to be found among the master poets. Thackeray turned his genius to imitative account; Swinburne parodied himself as well as his fellow-poets; Rudyard Kipling has done some of the best parodies in the language, and C. S. Calverley's burlesques are classics. The work of these writers may be said to be in the third class; for not only do they preserve the diction and style of the author imitated, but they seem to go beyond that, and, assimilating for the moment his very mentality, caricature not only his expressed thoughts but his abstract cerebrations.

It is easy to understand how Swinburne with his facile fancy and wonderful command of words could be among the best parodists. In his “Heptalogia" are long and careful parodies of no less than seven prominent poets, each of which is a masterpiece, and the parody of Browning is especially good. Browning, of course, has always been a tempting mark for the parodists, but though it is easy to imitate his eccentricities superficially, it is only the greater minds that have parodied his subtler peculiarities. Among the best are Calverley's and Kipling's.

Kipling's parodies, written in his early days, and not often to be found in editions of his collected works, rank with the highest. His parody of Swinburne, while going to the very limit of legitimate imitation, is restrained by a powerful hand, and so kept within convincing bounds. The great fault with most parodies of Swinburne is that exaggeration is given play too freely, and the result is merely a meaningless mass of sound. Clever in a different way is Owen Seaman's parody of Swinburne. Mr. Seaman is one of the most brilliant of modern parodists and his parodies, though long, are perfect in all respects.

Among the most exquisite parodies we have ever read must be counted those of Anthony C. Deane, originally published in various London[xxix] papers, and Calverley's works are too well known even to require mention.

The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam is often parodied, but rarely worthily. One reason for this lies in the fact that it is not Omar who is parodied at all, but Fitzgerald; consequently, the imitation is merely a form-rendering and more often only lines in the Rubaiyat metre.

Shakespeare, with the exception of one or two of his most hackneyed speeches, is rarely parodied; doubtless owing to the fact that his harmonious work shows no incongruities of matter or manner, and strikes no false notes for the parodists to catch at.

The extent of the domain of parody is vastly larger than is imagined by the average reader, and its already published bibliographies show thousands of collected parodies of varying degrees of merit.

Of all the poets Tennyson has probably been parodied the most; followed closely in this respect by Edgar Allan Poe. After these, Browning, Swinburne, and Walt Whitman; then Moore, Wordsworth, Longfellow, and Thomas Campbell.

Of single poems the one showing the greatest number of parodies is “My Mother," by Ann Taylor; after this those most used for the purpose have been “The Raven," Gray's “Elegy," “The Song of the Shirt," “The May Queen," “Locksley[xxx] Hall," “The Burial of Sir John Moore," and Kingsley's “Three Fishers."

Parody, then, is a tribute to popularity, and consequently to merit of one sort or another, and in the hands of the initiate may be considered a touch-stone that proves true worth.

A PARODY ANTHOLOGY

AFTER OMAR KHAYYAM

THE GOLFER'S RUBAIYAT

AN OMAR FOR LADIES [A]

FOOTNOTE:

[A] Copyright, 1903, by Harper & Brothers.

THE MODERN RUBAIYAT

LINES WRITTEN (“BY REQUEST")
FOR A DINNER OF THE OMAR
KHAYYAM CLUB

THE BABY'S OMAR

AFTER CHAUCER

YE CLERKE OF YE WETHERE

AFTER SPENSER

A PORTRAIT

AFTER SHAKESPEARE

THE BACHELOR'S SOLILOQUY

POKER

TOOTHACHE

A DREARY SONG

TO THE STALL-HOLDERS AT A
FANCY FAIR

SONG

THE WHIST-PLAYER'S SOLILOQUY

AFTER WITHER

ANSWER TO MASTER WITHERS SONG,
“SHALL I, WASTING IN DESPAIR?"

AFTER HERRICK

SONG

TO JULIA UNDER LOCK AND KEY

AFTER NURSERY RHYMES

AN IDYLL OF PHATTE AND LEENE

NURSERY SONG IN PIDGIN ENGLISH

THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT

BOSTON NURSERY RHYMES

RHYME FOR A GEOLOGICAL BABY

RHYME FOR ASTRONOMICAL BABY

RHYME FOR BOTANICAL BABY

RHYME FOR A CHEMICAL BABY

A SONG OF A HEART

THE DOMICILE OF JOHN

MARY AND THE LAMB

AFTER WALLER

THE AESTHETE TO THE ROSE

AFTER DRYDEN

THREE BLESSINGS

OYSTER-CRABS

AFTER DR. WATTS

THE VOICE OF THE LOBSTER

THE CROCODILE

AFTER GOLDSMITH

WHEN LOVELY WOMAN

AFTER BURNS

GAELIC SPEECH; OR, “AULD LANG
SYNE" DONE UP IN TARTAN

MY FOE

RIGID BODY SINGS

AFTER
CATHERINE FANSHAWE

COCKNEY ENIGMA ON THE
LETTER H

AFTER WORDSWORTH

ON WORDSWORTH

JACOB

FRAGMENT IN IMITATION OF
WORDSWORTH

JANE SMITH

ONLY SEVEN

LUCY LAKE

AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT

YOUNG LOCHINVAR

AFTER COLERIDGE

THE ANCIENT MARINER

STRIKING

AFTER SOUTHEY

THE OLD MAN'S COLD AND HOW
HE GOT IT

FATHER WILLIAM

LADY JANE

AFTER CAMPBELL

THE NEW ARRIVAL

JOHN THOMPSON'S DAUGHTER

AFTER THOMAS MOORE

THE LAST CIGAR

'TWAS EVER THUS

"THERE'S A BOWER OF BEAN-VINES"

DISASTER

SARAH'S HALLS

'TWAS EVER THUS

AFTER JANE TAYLOR

THE BAT

AFTER BARRY CORNWALL

THE TEA

AFTER BYRON

THE ROUT OF BELGRAVIA

A GRIEVANCE

AFTER CHARLES WOLFE

THE BURIAL OF THE BACHELOR

NOT A SOU HAD HE GOT

THE MARRIAGE OF SIR JOHN
SMITH

AFTER MRS. HEMANS

THE THYROID GLAND

AFTER KEATS

ODE ON A JAR OF PICKLES

II.

III.

IV.

AFTER HEINE

IMITATION

COMMONPLACES

AFTER HOOD

SONG OF THE SHEET
THE DRIPPING SHEET

This sheet wrung out of cold or tepid water is thrown around the body. Quick rubbing follows, succeeded by the same operation with a dry sheet. Its operation is truly shocking. Dress after to prevent remarks.

I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER

AFTER ALFRED BUNN

A YULE-TIDE PARODY

SELF-EVIDENT

AFTER LORD MACAULAY

THE LAUREATE'S TOURNEY

FYTTE THE FIRST

FYTTE THE SECOND

AFTER EMERSON

MUTTON

AFTER MARY HOWITT

THE LOBSTER QUADRILLE

AFTER MRS. BROWNING

IN THE GLOAMING

GWENDOLINE

AFTER LONGFELLOW

THE MODERN HIAWATHA

HIGHER

TOPSIDE GALAH!

EXCELSIOR

"THE DAY IS DONE"

A PSALM OF LIFE

HOW OFTEN

DESOLATION

THE BIRDS AND THE PHEASANT

AFTER WHITTIER

HIRAM HOVER

AFTER MRS. NORTON

THE HORSE AND HIS MASTER

THE NEW VERSION

AFTER POE

WHAT TROUBLED POE'S RAVEN

THE AMATEUR FLUTE

SAMUEL BROWN

THE PROMISSORY NOTE

THE CANNIBAL FLEA

ANNABEL LEE

THE BELLS

THE GOBLIN GOOSE

AFTER LORD HOUGHTON

LOVE AND SCIENCE

AFTER TENNYSON

THE BATHER'S DIRGE

LITTLE MISS MUFFET

(Reset as an Arthurian Idyl)

THE MUSICAL PITCH

TO AN IMPORTUNATE HOST

(During dinner and after Tennyson)

THE VILLAGE CHOIR

THE BITER BIT

THE LAUREATE

THE LAY OF THE LOVELORN

COMRADES, you may pass the rosy. With permission of the chair,

I shall leave you for a little, for I'd like to take the air.

Whether 'twas the sauce at dinner, or that glass of ginger-beer,

[166]Or these strong cheroots, I know not, but I feel a little queer.

Let me go. Nay, Chuckster, blow me, 'pon my soul, this is too bad!

When you want me, ask the waiter; he knows where I'm to be had.

Whew! This is a great relief now! Let me but undo my stock;

Resting here beneath the porch, my nerves will steady like a rock.

In my ears I hear the singing of a lot of favourite tunes—

Bless my heart, how very odd! Why surely there's a brace of moons!

See! the stars! how bright they twinkle, winking with a frosty glare,

Like my faithless cousin Amy when she drove me to despair.

Oh, my cousin, spider-hearted! Oh, my Amy! No, confound it,

I must wear the mournful willow,—all around my heart I've bound it!

Falser than the bank of fancy, frailer than a shining glove,

[167]Puppet to a father's anger, minion to a nabob's love!

Is it well to wish thee happy? Having known me, could you ever

Stoop to marry half a heart, and a little more than half a liver?

Happy! Damme! Thou shalt lower to his level day by day,

Changing from the best of china to the commonest of clay.

As the husband is, the wife is,—he is stomach-plagued and old;

And his curry soups will make thy cheek the color of his gold.

When his feeble love is sated, he will hold thee surely then

Something lower than his hookah,—something less than his cayenne.

What is this? His eyes are pinky. Was 't the claret? Oh, no, no,—

Bless your soul! it was the salmon,—salmon always makes him so.

Take him to thy dainty chamber—soothe him with thy lightest fancies;

[168]He will understand thee, won't he?—pay thee with a lover's glances?

Louder than the loudest trumpet, harsh as harshest ophicleide,

Nasal respirations answer the endearments of his bride.

Sweet repose, delightful music! Gaze upon thy noble charge,

Till the spirit fill thy bosom that inspired the meek Laffarge.

Better thou wert dead before me,—better, better that I stood,

Looking on thy murdered body, like the injured Daniel Good!

Better thou and I were lying, cold and timber-stiff and dead,

With a pan of burning charcoal underneath our nuptial bed!

Cursed be the Bank of England's notes, that tempt the soul to sin!

Cursed be the wants of acres,—doubly cursed the want of tin!

Cursed be the marriage-contract, that enslaved thy soul to greed!

[169]Cursed be the sallow lawyer that prepared and drew the deed!

Cursed be his foul apprentice, who the loathsome fees did earn!

Cursed be the clerk and parson,—cursed be the whole concern!

Oh, 'tis well that I should bluster,—much I'm like to make of that;

Better comfort have I found in singing "All Around my Hat."

But that song, so wildly plaintive, palls upon my British ears.

'Twill not do to pine for ever,—I am getting up in years.

Can't I turn the honest penny, scribbling for the weekly press,

And in writing Sunday libels drown my private wretchedness?

Oh, to feel the wild pulsation that in manhood's dawn I knew,

When my days were all before me, and my years were twenty-two!

When I smoked my independent pipe along the Quadrant wide,

[170]With the many larks of London flaring up on every side;

When I went the pace so wildly, caring little what might come;

Coffee-milling care and sorrow with a nose-adapted thumb;

Felt the exquisite enjoyment, tossing nightly off, oh, heavens!

Brandies at the Cider Cellars, kidneys smoking hot at Evans'!

Or in the Adelphi sitting, half in rapture, half in tears,

Saw the glorious melodrama conjure up the shades of years!

Saw Jack Sheppard, noble stripling, act his wondrous feats again,

Snapping Newgate's bars of iron, like an infant's daisy chain.

Might was right, and all the terrors, which had held the world in awe,

Were despised, and priggings prospered, spite of Laurie, spite of law.

In such scenes as these I triumphed, ere my passion's edge was rusted,

[171]And my cousin's cold refusal left me very much disgusted!

Since, my heart is sere and withered, and I do not care a curse

Whether worse shall be the better, or the better be the worse.

Hark! my merry comrades call me, bawling for another jorum;

They would mock me in derision, should I thus appear before 'em.

Womankind shall no more vex me, such at least as go arrayed

In the most expensive satins and the newest silk brocade.

I'll to Afric, lion-haunted, where the giant forest yields

Rarer robes and finer tissue than are sold at Spitalfields.

Or to burst all chains of habit, flinging habit's self aside

I shall walk the tangled jungle in mankind's primeval pride;

Feeding on the luscious berries and the rich cassava root,

[172]Lots of dates and lots of guavas, clusters of forbidden fruit.

Never comes the trader thither, never o'er the purple main

Sounds the oath of British commerce, or the accent of Cockaigne.

There, methinks, would be enjoyment, where no envious rule prevents;

Sink the Steamboats! cuss the railways! rot, oh, rot the Three per Cents!

There the passions, cramped no longer, shall have space to breathe, my cousin!

I will wed some savage woman—nay, I'll wed at least a dozen.

There I'll rear my young mulattoes, as no Bond Street brats are reared;

They shall dive for alligators, catch the wild goats by the beard—

Whistle to the cockatoos, and mock the hairy-faced baboon,

Worship mighty Mumbo Jumbo in the Mountains of the Moon.

I myself, in far Timbuctoo, leopard's blood will daily quaff,

[173]Ride a tiger-hunting, mounted on a thorough-bred giraffe.

Fiercely shall I shout the war-whoop, as some sullen stream he crosses,

Startling from their noonday slumbers iron-bound rhinoceroses.

Fool! again the dream, the fancy! But I know my words are mad,

For I hold the gray barbarian lower than the Christian cad.

I the swell—the city dandy! I to seek such horrid places,—

I to haunt with squalid negroes, blubber-lips, and monkey-faces.

I to wed with Coromantees! I, who managed—very near—

To secure the heart and fortune of the widow Shillibeer!

Stuff and nonsense! let me never fling a single chance away;

Maids ere now, I know, have loved me, and another maiden may.

Morning Post (The Times won't trust me) help me, as I know you can;

[174]I will pen an advertisement,—that's a never failing plan.

"Wanted—by a bard, in wedlock, some young interesting woman;

Looks are not so much an object, if the shiners be forthcoming!

"Hymen's chains the advertiser vows shall be but silken fetters;

Please address to A. T., Chelsea. N. B.—You must pay the letters."

That's the sort of thing to do it. Now I'll go and taste the balmy,—

Rest thee with thy yellow nabob, spider-hearted Cousin Amy!

William Aytoun.

IN IMMEMORIAM

SIR EGGNOGG

GODIVA

A LAUREATE'S LOG

(Rough-weather notes from the New Birthday-Book)

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

THE RECOGNITION

THE HIGHER PANTHEISM IN A
NUTSHELL

TIMBUCTOO.—PART I.

AFTER TUPPER

OF FRIENDSHIP

OF READING

AFTER THACKERAY

THE WILLOW-TREE

AFTER CHARLES DICKENS

MAN'S PLACE IN NATURE

AFTER ROBERT BROWNING

HOME TRUTHS FROM ABROAD

AFTER BROWNING

THE COCK AND THE BULL

YOU see this pebble-stone? It's a thing I bought

Off a bit of a chit of a boy i' the mid o' the day.

I like to dock the smaller parts o' speech,

As we curtail the already cur-tail'd cur—

(You catch the paronomasia, play 'po' words?)

Did, rather, i' the pre-Landseerian days.

Well, to my muttons. I purchased the concern,

And clapt it i' my poke, having given for same

By way o' chop, swop, barter or exchange—

"Chop" was my snickering dandiprat's own term—

One shilling and fourpence, current coin o' the realm.

O-n-e one, and f-o-u-r four

Pence, one and fourpence—you are with me, sir?—

What hour it skills not: ten or eleven o' the clock,

One day (and what a roaring day it was

Go shop or sight-see—bar a spit o' rain!)

In February, eighteen sixty-nine,

Alexandria Victoria, Fidei—

Hm—hm—how runs the jargon? being on the throne.

Such, sir, are all the facts, succinctly put,

The basis or substratum—what you will will—

Of the impending eighty thousand lines.

[196]"Not much in 'em either," quoth perhaps simple Hodge.

But there's a superstructure. Wait a bit.

Mark first the rationale of the thing:

Hear logic rivel and levigate the deed.

That shilling—and for matter o' that, the pence—

I had o' course upo' me—wi' me say—

(Mecum's the Latin, make a note o' that)

When I popp'd pen i' stand, scratch'd ear, wiped snout,

(Let everybody wipe his own himself)

Sniff'd—tch!—at snuff-box; tumbled up, ne-heed,

Haw-haw'd (not hee-haw'd, that's another guess thing),

Then fumbled at, and stumbled out of, door.

I shoved the timber ope wi' my omoplat;

And in vestibulo, i' the lobby to wit

(Iacobi Facciolati's rendering, sir),

Donn'd galligaskins, antigropeloes,

And so forth; and, complete with hat and gloves,

One on and one a-dangle i' my hand,

And ombrifuge (Lord love you!), case o' rain,

I flopp'd forth, 'sbuddikins! on my own ten toes

(I do assure you there be ten of them),

And went clump-clumping up hill and down dale

To find myself o' the sudden i' front o' the boy.

But case I hadn't 'em on me, could I ha' bought

This sort-o'-kind-o'-what-you-might-call toy,

This pebble thing, o' the boy-thing? Q. E. D.

That's proven without aid from mumping Pope,

Sleek porporate or bloated Cardinal.

(Isn't it, old Fatchaps? You're in Euclid now.)

[197]So, having the shilling—having i' fact a lot—

And pence and halfpence, ever so many o' them,

I purchased, as I think I said before,

The pebble (lapis, lapidis, -di, -dem, -de—

What nouns 'crease short i' the genitive, Fatchaps, eh?)

O' the boy, a bare-legg'd beggarly son of a gun,

for one and fourpence. Here we are again.

Now Law steps in, bigwigg'd, voluminous-jaw'd;

Investigates and re-investigates.

Was the transaction illegal? Law shakes head

Perpend, sir, all the bearings of the case.

At first the coin was mine, the chattel his.

But now (by virtue of the said exchange

And barter) vice versa all the coin,

Per juris operationem, vests

I' the boy and his assigns till ding o' doom;

(In sæcula sæculo-o-o-rum;

I think I hear the Abate mouth out that.)

To have and hold the same to him and them.

Confer some idiot on Conveyancing.

Whereas the pebble and every part thereof,

And all that appertaineth thereunto,

Quodcunque pertinet ad eam rem

(I fancy, sir, my Latin's rather pat),

Or shall, will, may, might, can, could, would or should

(Subaudi cætera—clap we to the close—

For what's the good of Law in a case o' the kind),

Is mine to all intents and purposes.

[198]This settled, I resume the thread o' the tale.

Now for a touch o' the vendor's quality.

He says a gen'lman bought a pebble of him

(This pebble i' sooth, sir, which I hold i' my hand),

And paid for't, like a gen'lman, on the nail.

"Did I o'ercharge him a ha'penny? Devil a bit.

Fiddlepin's end! Get out, you blazing ass!

Gabble o' the goose. Don't bugaboo-baby me!

Go double or quits? Yah! tittup! what's the odds?"

There's the transaction view'd i' the vendor's light.

Next ask that dumpled hag, stood snuffling by,

With her three frowsy blowsy brats o' babes,

The scum o' the kennel, cream o' the filth-heap—Faugh!

Aie, aie, aie, aie! οτοτοτοτοτοἱ

('Stead which we blurt out Hoighty toighty now),

And the baker and candlestickmaker, and Jack and Jill,

Blear'd Goody this and queasy Gaffer that.

Ask the schoolmaster. Take schoolmaster first.

He saw a gentleman purchase of a lad

A stone, and pay for it rite, on the square,

And carry it off per saltum, jauntily,

Propria quae maribus, gentleman's property now

(Agreeably to the law explain'd above),

In proprium usum, for his private ends,

The boy he chuck'd a brown i' the air, and bit

I' the face the shilling; heaved a thumping stone

[199]At a lean hen that ran cluck clucking by

(And hit her, dead as nail i' post o' door),

Then abiit—what's the Ciceronian phrase?—

Excessit, evasit, erupit—off slogs boy;

Off like bird, avi similis—(you observed

The dative? Pretty i' the Mantuan!)—Anglice

Off in three flea skips. Hactenus, so far,

So good, tam bene. Bene, satis, male,—

Where was I with my trope 'bout one in a quag?

I did once hitch the syntax into verse:

Verbum personale, a verb personal,

Concordat—ay, "agrees," old Fatchaps—cum

Nominativo, with its nominative,

Genere, i' point o' gender, numero,

O' number, et persona, and person. Ut,

Instance: Sol ruit, down flops sun, et, and,

Montes umbrantur, out flounce mountains. Pah!

Excuse me, sir, I think I'm going mad.

You see the trick on't though, and can yourself

Continue the discourse ad libitum.

It takes up about eighty thousand lines,

A thing imagination boggles at;

And might, odds-bobs, sir! in judicious hands,

Extend from here to Mesopotamy.

Charles S. Calverley.

A STACCATO TO O LE LUPE

BY THE SEA

ANGELO ORDERS HIS DINNER

THE FLIGHT OF THE BUCKET

THE JAM-POT

IMITATION OF ROBERT BROWNING

THE LAST RIDE TOGETHER

UP THE SPOUT

II.

III.

IV.

VI.

VII.

VIII.

IX.

XI.

XII.

XIII.

AFTER WHITMAN

AN AMERICAN, ONE OF THE ROUGHS,
A KOSMOS

CAMERADOS

IMITATION OF WALT WHITMAN

THE POET AND THE WOODLOUSE

AFTER CHARLES KINGSLEY

THREE LITTLE FISHERS

THE THREE POETS

AFTER MRS. R. H. STODDARD

THE NETTLE

AFTER BAYARD TAYLOR

HADRAMAUT

AFTER WILLIAM MORRIS

ESTUNT THE GRIFF

(Argument: Showing how a man of England, hearing from certain Easterlings of the glories of their land, set sail to rule it)

AFTER ALFRED AUSTIN

AN ODE

AFTER W. S. GILBERT

ODE TO A LONDON FOG

PRESIDENT GARFIELD

PROPINQUITY NEEDED

AFTER R. H. STODDARD

THE CANTELOPE

AFTER A. A. PROCTOR

THE LOST VOICE

THE LOST APE

THE LOST WORD

AFTER GEORGE MEREDITH

AT THE SIGN OF THE COCK

(Being an Ode in further "Contribution to the Song of French History," dedicated, without malice or permission, to Mr. George Meredith)

III

AFTER DANTE GABRIEL
ROSSETTI

A CHRISTMAS WAIL

BALLAD

Part II

CIMABUELLA

THE POSTER GIRL

AFTER JEAN INGELOW

LOVERS, AND A REFLECTION

THE SHRIMP-GATHERERS

AFTER CHRISTINA ROSSETTI

REMEMBER

AFTER LEWIS CARROLL

WAGGAWOCKY

THE VULTURE AND THE HUSBANDMAN

AFTER A. C. SWINBURNE

GILLIAN

ATALANTA IN CAMDEN-TOWN

THE MANLET

IF!

THE MAID OF THE MEERSCHAUM

QUAERITUR

A MELTON MOWBRAY PORK-PIE

FOAM AND FANGS

A SONG OF RENUNCIATION

NEPHELIDIA

FROM the depth of the dreamy decline of the dawn through a notable nimbus of nebulous moonshine,

Pallid and pink as the palm of the flag-flower that flickers with fear of the flies as they float,

Are they looks of our lovers that lustrously lean from a marvel of mystic miraculous moonshine,

These that we feel in the blood of our blushes that thicken and threaten with throbs through the throat?

Thicken and thrill as a theatre thronged at appeal of an actor's appalled agitation,

Fainter with fear of the fires of the future than pale with the promise of pride in the past;

Flushed with the famishing fulness of fever that reddens with radiance of rathe recreation,

Gaunt as the ghastliest of glimpses that gleam through the gloom of the gloaming when ghosts go aghast?

[283]Nay, for the nick of the tick of the time is a tremulous touch on the temples of terror,

Strained as the sinews yet strenuous with strife of the dead who is dumb as the dust-heaps of death;

Surely no soul is it, sweet as the spasm of erotic emotional exquisite error,

Bathed in the balms of beatified bliss, beatific itself by beatitude's breath.

Surely no spirit or sense of a soul that was soft to the spirit and soul of our senses

Sweetens the stress of surprising suspicion that sobs in the semblance and sound of a sigh;

Only this oracle opens Olympian, in mystical moods and triangular tenses,—

"Life is the lust of a lamp for the light that is dark till the dawn of the day when we die."

Mild is the mirk and monotonous music of memory, melodiously mute as it may be,

While the hope in the heart of a hero is bruised by the breach of men's rapiers, resigned to the rod;

Made meek as a mother whose bosom-beats bound with the bliss-bringing bulk of a balm-breathing baby,

As they grope through the grave-yard of creeds, under skies growing green at a groan for the grimness of God.

Blank is the book of his bounty beholden of old, and its binding is blacker than bluer:

[284]Out of blue into black is the scheme of the skies, and their dews are the wine of the bloodshed of things;

Till the darkling desire of delight shall be free as a fawn that is freed from the fangs that pursue her,

Till the heart-beats of hell shall be hushed by a hymn from the hunt that has harried the kennel of kings.

Algernon Charles Swinburne.

THE LAY OF MACARONI

AFTER BRET HARTE

THE HEATHEN PASS-EE

DE TEA FABULA

AFTER AUSTIN DOBSON

THE PRODIGALS

(Dedicated to Mr. Chaplin, M.P., and Mr. Richard Power, M.P., and 223 who followed him)

ENVOI:

AFTER ANDREW LANG

BO-PEEP

AFTER W. E. HENLEY

IMITATION

AFTER R. L. STEVENSON

BED DURING EXAMS

AFTER OSCAR WILDE

MORE IMPRESSIONS

NURSERY RHYMES À LA MODE

(Our nurseries will soon be too cultured to admit the old rhymes in their Philistine and unæsthetic garb. They may be redressed somewhat on this model)

POSTSCRIPT

A MAUDLE-IN BALLAD

QUITE THE CHEESE

AFTER WILLIAM WATSON

THE THREE MICE

AFTER KIPLING

FUZZY WUZZY LEAVES US

A BALLAD

JACK AND JILL

THE LEGEND OF REALISM

AFTER STEPHEN PHILLIPS

LITTLE JACK HORNER

AFTER FIONA McLEOD, W. B.
YEATS, AND OTHERS

THE CULT OF THE CELTIC

AFTER VARIOUS WRITERS OF
VERS DE SOCIÉTÉ

BEHOLD THE DEEDS!

(Being the Plaint of Adolphe Culpepper Ferguson, Salesman of Fancy Notions, held in durance of his Landlady for a failure to connect on Saturday night)

III

ENVOY

CULTURE IN THE SLUMS

A BALLADE OF BALLADE-MONGERS

ENVOY

AFTER VARIOUS POPULAR
SONGS

BEAUTIFUL SNOW

THE NEWEST THING IN CHRISTMAS
CAROLS

THE TALE OF LORD LOVELL

"SONGS WITHOUT WORDS"

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

TURTLE SOUP

SOME DAY

IF I SHOULD DIE TO-NIGHT

A LOVE SONG

OLD FASHIONED FUN

THEMES WITH VARIATIONS

HOME SWEET HOME WITH
VARIATIONS

(Being suggestions of the various styles in which an old theme might have been treated by certain metrical composers)

Fantasia

III

(As Mr. Francis Bret Harte might have woven it into a touching tale of a western gentleman in a red shirt)

(As Austin Dobson might have translated it from Horace, if it had ever occurred to Horace to write it)

RONDEAU

(As it might have been constructed in 1744, Oliver Goldsmith, at 19, writing the first stanza, and Alexander Pope, at 52, the second)

You over there, young man with the guide-book, red-bound, covered flexibly with red linen,

Come here, I want to talk with you; I, Walt, the Manhattanese, citizen of these States, call you.

Yes, and the courier, too, smirking, smug-mouthed, with oil'd hair; a garlicky look about him generally; him, too, I take in, just as I would a coyote or a king, or a toad-stool, or a ham-sandwich, or anything, or anybody else in the world.

You want to see Paris, to eat truffles, to have a good time; in Vienna, London, Florence, Monaco, to have a good time; you want to see Venice.

Come with me. I will give you a good time; I will give you all the Venice you want, and most of the Paris.

I, Walt, I call to you. I am all on deck! Come and loafe with me! Let me tote you around by your elbow and show you things.

Come in!—take a front seat; the jostle of the crowd not minding; there is room enough for all of you.

This is my exhibition—it is the greatest show on earth—there is no charge for admission.

1. The brown-stone house; the father coming home worried from a bad day's business; the wife meets him in the marble pav'd vestibule; she throws her arms about him; she presses him close to her; she looks him full in the face with affectionate eyes; the frown from his brow disappearing.
Darling, she says, Johnny has fallen down and cut his head; the cook is going away, and the boiler leaks.

2. The mechanic's dark little third-story room, seen in a flash from the Elevated Railway train; the sewing-machine in a corner; the small cook-stove; the whole family eating cabbage around a kerosene lamp; of the clatter and roar and groaning wail of the Elevated train unconscious; of the smell of the cabbage unconscious.
Me, passant, in the train, of the cabbage not quite so unconscious.

3. The French Flat; the small rooms, all right-angles,[343] unindividual; the narrow halls; the gaudy, cheap decorations everywhere.

The janitor and the cook exchanging compliments up and down the elevator-shaft; the refusal to send up more coal, the solid splash of the water upon his head, the language he sends up the shaft, the triumphant laughter of the cook, to her kitchen retiring.

4. The widow's small house in the suburbs of the city; the widow's boy coming home from his first day down town; he is flushed with happiness and pride; he is no longer a school-boy, he is earning money; he takes on the airs of a man and talks learnedly of business.

5. The room in the third-class boarding-house; the mean little hard-coal fire, the slovenly Irish servant-girl making it, the ashes on the hearth, the faded furniture, the private provender hid away in the closet, the dreary backyard out the window; the young girl at the glass, with her mouth full of hairpins, doing up her hair to go downstairs and flirt with the young fellows in the parlor.

6. The kitchen of the old farm-house; the young convict just returned from prison—it was his first offense, and the judges were lenient on him.

He is taking his first meal out of prison; he has been received back, kiss'd, encourag'd to start again; his lungs, his nostrils expand with the big breaths of free air; with shame, with[344] wonderment, with a trembling joy, his heart too, expanding.

The old mother busies herself about the table; she has ready for him the dishes he us'd to like; the father sits with his back to them, reading the newspaper, the newspaper shaking and rustling much; the children hang wondering around the prodigal—they have been caution'd: Do not ask where our Jim has been; only say you are glad to see him.

The elder daughter is there, palefac'd, quiet; her young man went back on her four years ago; his folks would not let him marry a convict's sister. She sits by the window, sewing on the children's clothes, the clothes not only patching up; her hunger for children of her own invisibly patching up.

The brother looks up; he catches her eye, he fearful, apologetic; she smiles back at him, not reproachfully smiling, with loving pretence of hope smiling—it is too much for him; he buries his face in the folds of the mother's black gown.

7. The best room of the house, on the Sabbath only open'd; the smell of horse-hair furniture and mahogany varnish; the ornaments on the what-not in the corner; the wax fruit, dusty, sunken, sagged in, consumptive-looking, under a glass globe, the sealing-wax imitation of coral; the cigar boxes with shells plastered over, the perforated card-board motto.

The kitchen; the housewife sprinkling the clothes[345] for the fine ironing to-morrow—it is the Third-day night, and the plain things are ready iron'd, now in cupboards, in drawers stowed away.

The wife waiting for the husband—he is at the tavern, jovial, carousing; she, alone in the kitchen sprinkling clothes—the little red wood clock with peaked top, with pendulum wagging behind a pane of gayly painted glass, strikes twelve.

The sound of the husband's voice on the still night air—he is singing: "We won't go home until morning!"—the wife arising, toward the wood-shed hastily going, stealthily entering, the voice all the time coming nearer, inebriate, chantant.

The husband passing the door of the wood-shed; the club over his head, now with his head in contact; the sudden cessation of the song; the benediction of peace over the domestic foyer temporarily resting.

MODERN VERSIFICATION ON
ANCIENT THEMES

GOOSE À LA MODE

THREE CHILDREN SLIDING

JACK AND JILL

THE REJECTED "NATIONAL HYMNS"

III

VII

A THEME WITH VARIATIONS

THEME

SONG

THE POETS AT TEA

THE POETS AT A HOUSE-PARTY

(A modern mortal having inadvertently stumbled in upon a house-party of poets given on Mount Olympus, being called upon to justify his presence there by writing[364] a poem, offered a Limerick. Whereupon each poet scoffed, and the mortal, offended, challenged them to do better with the same theme)

The Limerick

She luminously wavered, and I tentatively inferred that she would soon perfectly reconsider her not altogether unobvious course. Furiously, though with a tender, ebbing similitude, across her mental consciousness stole a re-culmination of all the truths she had ever known concerning, or even remotely relating to, the not-easily fathomed qualities of paste and ink. So she stood, focused in an intensity of soul-quivers, and I, all unrelenting, waited, though of a dim uncertainty whether, after all, it might not be only a dubitant problem.

See the Ink Bottle on the Desk! It is full of Nice Black Ink. Why, the Paste-Pot is there, Too! Let us watch Papa as he sits down to write. Oh, he is going to paste a Second-hand Stamp on a Letter. See, he has dipped his Brush in the Ink by Mistake. Oh, what a Funny Mistake! Now, although it is Winter, we may have to Endure the Heated Term.

"I see by th' pa-apers, Hennessy," said Mr. Dooley, "that they'se a question up for dee-bate."

"Well, it's different from a fish-bait," returned Mr. Dooley, "an' it's like this, if I can bate it into the thick head of ye. A lot of people argyfies an' argyfies to decide, as in the prisint instance, whether a man'd rayther shtick his pastin'-brush in his ink-shtand, or if he'd like it betther to be afther dippin' his pen in his pashte-pot."

"Thot," said Mr. Hennessy, "is a foolish question, an' only fools wud argyfy about such a thing as thot."

AN OLD SONG BY NEW SINGERS

TRIOLET

RONDEAU

VILLANELLE

INDEX OF TITLES

Aesthere to the Rose, The	Punch	40
After Browning		194
Amateur Flute, The		140
American, One of the Roughs, A Kosmos, An		219
Ancient Mariner, The		61
Angelo Orders His Dinner	Bayard Taylor	205
Annabel Lee	Stanley Huntley	147
Answer to Master Wither's Song, "Shall I, Wasting in Despair?"	Ben Jonson	25
Atalanta in Camden-Town	Lewis Carroll	270
At the Sign of the Cock	Owen Seaman	248
Baby's Omar, The	Carolyn Wells	12
Bachelor's Soliloquy, The		17
Ballad	Charles S. Calverley	253
Ballad, A	Guy Wetmore Carryl	307
Ballade of Ballade-Mongers, A	Augustus M. Moore	322
Bat, The	Lewis Carroll	82
Bather's Dirge, The	Tennyson Minor	155
Beautiful Snow		324
Bed During Exams	Clara Warren Vail	298
Behold the Deeds!	H. C. Bunner	319
Bells, The	Judy	148
Birds and the Pheasant, The	Punch	131
Biter Bit, The	William Aytoun	161
Bo-Peep	Anthony C. Deane	294
Boston Nursery Rhymes	Rev. Joseph Cook	32
Burial of the Bachelor, The		88
[376]By the Sea	Bayard Taylor	203
Camerados	Bayard Taylor	220
Cannibal Flea, The	Tom Hood, Jr.	145
Cantelope, The	Bayard Taylor	243
Christmas Wail, A		252
Cimabuella	Bayard Taylor	255
Cock and the Bull, The	Charles S. Calverley	195
Cockney Enigma on the Letter H	Horace Mayhew	49
Commonplaces	Rudyard Kipling	97
Crocodile, The	Lewis Carroll	43
Cult of the Celtic, The	Anthony C. Deane	317
Culture in the Slums	W. E. Henley	322
Desolation	Tom Masson	130
De Tea Fabula	A. T. Quiller-Couch	289
Disaster	Charles S. Calverley	79
Domicile of John, The	A. Pope	34
Dreary Song, A	Shirley Brooks	20
Elderly Gentleman, The	George Canning	328
Estunt the Griff	Rudyard Kipling	235
Excelsior		124
Father William	Lewis Carroll	67
Flight of the Bucket, The	Rudyard Kipling	206
Foam and Fangs	Walter Parke	278
Fragment in Imitation of Wordsworth	C. M. Fanshawe	52
Fuzzy Wuzzy Leaves us	E. P. C.	305
Gaelic Speech; or "Auld Lang Syne" Done Up in Tartan		45
Gillian		268
Goblin Goose, The	Punch	150
Godiva	Oliver Herford	177
Golfer's Rubaiyat, The	H. W. Boynton	3
Grievance, A	J. K. Stephen	85
[377]Gwendoline	Bayard Taylor	118
Hadramaut	Bayard Taylor	233
Heathen Pass-ee, The	A. C. Hilton	286
Higher		120
Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell, The	Algernon C. Swinburne	180
Hiram Hover	Bayard Taylor	133
Horse and His Master, The	Philip F. Allen	136
Home Sweet Home with Variations	Henry C. Bunner	334
Home Truths from Abroad		193
House that Jack Built, The	Samuel T. Coleridge	31
How Often	Ben King	129
Idyll of Phatte and Leene, An		29
If!	Mortimer Collins	274
If I Should Die To-Night	Ben King	331
Imitation	Henry C. Bunner	96
Imitation of Robert Browning	J. K. Stephen	210
Imitation of Walt Whitman	Judy	221
Imitation of Walt Whitman	J. K. Stephen	224
Imitation	Anthony C. Deane	296
In Immemoriam	Cuthbert Bede	174
In the Gloaming	Charles S. Calverley	116
I Remember, I Remember	Phœbe Cary	101
Jack and Jill	Anthony C. Deane	309
Jack and Jill	Charles Battell Loomis	348
Jacob	Phœbe Cary	51
Jam-Pot, The	Rudyard Kipling	210
Jane Smith	Rudyard Kipling	54
John Thompson's Daughter	Phœbe Cary	73
Lady Jane	A. T. Quiller-Couch	69
Last Cigar, The		76
Last Ride Together, The	J. K. Stephen	212
[378]Laureate, The	William Aytoun	163
Laureate's Log, A	Punch	178
Laureate's Tourney, The	William Aytoun	105
Lay of Macaroni, The	Bayard Taylor	284
Lay of the Lovelorn, The	William Aytoun	165
Legend of Realism, The	Hilda Johnson	313
Lines Written ("By Request") for a Dinner of the Omar Khayyam Club	Owen Seaman	10
Little Jack Horner	Anthony C. Deane	315
Little Miss Muffet		156
Lobster Quadrille, The	Lewis Carroll	114
Lost Ape, The	J. W. G. W.	245
Lost Voice, The	A. H. S.	244
Lost Word, The	C. H. Webb	246
Love and Science		153
Lovers, and a Reflection	Charles S. Calverley	259
Love Song, A	Dean Swift	331
Lucy Lake	Newton Mackintosh	57
Maid of the Meerschaum, The	Rudyard Kipling	275
Manlet, The	Lewis Carroll	272
Man's Place in Nature		191
Marriage of Sir John Smith, The	Phœbe Cary	91
Mary and the Lamb	Frank D. Sherman	37
Maudle-in Ballad, A	Punch	300
Melton Mowbray Pork-Pie, A	Richard Le Gallienne	278
Modern Hiawatha, The		120
Modern Rubaiyat, The	Kate Masterson	7
Modern Versification on Ancient Themes	Elizabeth Cavazza	346
More Impressions	Oscuro Wildgoose	299
Musical Pitch, The		158
Mutton		113
My Foe		46
Nephelidia	A. C. Swinburne	282
[379]Nettle, The	Bayard Taylor	231
New Arrival, The	George W. Cable	72
Newest Thing in Christmas Carols, The		325
New Version, The	W. J. Lampton	138
Not a Sou had he Got	R. Harris Barham	89
Nursery Rhymes à la Mode		299
Nursery Song in Pidgin English		30
Ode, An	Anthony C. Deane	237
Ode on a Jar of Pickles	Bayard Taylor	94
Ode to a London Fog		239
Of Friendship	Charles S. Calverley	185
Of Reading	Charles S. Calverley	186
Old Fashioned Fun	W. M. Thackeray	333
Old Man's Cold and How He Got It, The		66
Old Song by New Singers, An	A. C. Wilkie	368
Omar for Ladies, An	Josephine D. Bacon	5
Only Seven	Henry S. Leigh	55
On Wordsworth		51
Oyster-Crabs	Carolyn Wells	41
Poet and the Woodlouse, The	A. C. Swinburne	224
Poets at a House-Party	Carolyn Wells	363
Poets at Tea, The	Barry Pain	359
Poker		18
Portrait, A	John Keats	15
Poster Girl, The	Carolyn Wells	257
President Garfield		240
Prodigals, The		292
Promissory Note, The	Bayard Taylor	143
Propinquity Needed	Charles B. Loomis	241
Psalm of Life, A	Phœbe Cary	127
Quaeritur	Rudyard Kipling	277
[380]Quite the Cheese	H. C. Waring	302
Recognition, The	William Sawyer	180
Rejected "National Hymns," The	Robert H. Newell	352
Remember	Judy	263
Rigid Body Sings	J. C. Maxwell	48
Rout of Belgravia, The	Jon Duan, 84
Samuel Brown	Phœbe Cary	142
Sarah's Halls	Judy	80
Self-Evident	J. R. Planché	104
Shrimp-Gatherers, The	Bayard Taylor	261
Sir Eggnogg	Bayard Taylor	175
Some Day	F. P. Doveton	329
Song	Oliver Herford	27
Song	James Whitcomb Riley	22
Song of a Heart, A	Oliver Herford	33
Song of Renunciation, A	Owen Seaman	279
Song of the Sheet		98
"Songs Without Words"	Robert J. Burdette	327
Staccato to O Le Lupe, A	Bliss Carman	200
Striking	Charles S. Calverley	64
Tale of Lord Lovell, The		326
Tea, The	Tom Hood, Jr.	82
"The Day is Done"	Phœbe Cary	126
Theme with Variations, A	Barry Pain	356
"There's a Bower of Bean-Vines"	Phœbe Cary	78
Three Blessings		41
Three Little Fishers	Frank H. Stauffer	229
Three Mice, The	Anthony C. Deane	304
Three Poets, The	Lilian Whiting	230
Thyroid Gland, The	R. M.	93
Timbuctoo.—Part I.	W. M. Thackeray	183
To an Importunate Host		158
To Julia Under Lock and Key	Owen Seaman	27
Toothache		19
[381]Topside Galah!		122
To the Stall-Holders at a Fancy Fair	W. S. Gilbert	21
Turtle Soup	Lewis Carroll	329
'T was Ever Thus	Henry S. Leigh	81
'T was Ever Thus		77
Up the Spout	A. C. Swinburne	215
Village Choir, The		159
Voice of the Lobster, The	Lewis Carroll	42
Vulture and the Husbandman, The	A. C Hilton	265
Waggawocky	Shirley Brooks	264
What Troubled Poe's Raven	John Bennett	139
When Lovely Woman	Phœbe Cary	44
Whist-Player's Soliloquy, The	Carolyn Wells	23
Willow-Tree, The	W. M. Thackeray	188
Ye Clerke of Ye Wethere		14
Young Lochinvar		58
Yule-Tide Parody, A		103

INDEX OF AUTHORS

Allen, Philip F.
The Horse and His Master	136

Aytoun, William
The Laureate's Tourney	105
The Biter Bit	161
The Laureate	163
The Lay of the Lovelorn	165

Bacon, Josephine Daskam
An Omar for Ladies	5

Barham, R. Harris
Not a Sou Had He Got	89

Bede, Cuthbert
In Immemoriam	174

Bennett, John
What Troubled Poe's Raven	139

Boynton, H. W.
The Golfer's Rubaiyat	3

Brooks, Shirley
A Dreary Song	20
Waggawocky	264

Bunner, Henry Cuyler
Imitation	96
Behold the Deeds!	319
Home Sweet Home with Variations	334

Burdette, Robert J.
"Songs Without Words"	327

Cable, George Washington
The New Arrival	72

Calverley, Charles S.
[386]Striking	64
Disaster	79
In the Gloaming	116
Of Friendship	185
Of Reading	186
The Cock and the Bull	195
Ballad	253
Lovers, and a Reflection	259

Canning, George
The Elderly Gentleman	328

Carman, Bliss
A Staccato to O Le Lupe	200

Carroll, Lewis
The Voice of the Lobster	42
The Crocodile	43
Father William	67
The Bat	82
The Lobster Quadrille	114
Atalanta in Camden-Town	270
The Manlet	272
Turtle Soup	329

Carryl, Guy Wetmore
A Ballad	307

Cary, Phœbe
When Lovely Woman	44
Jacob	51
John Thompson's Daughter	73
"There's a Bower of Bean-Vines"	78
The Marriage of Sir John Smith	91
I Remember, I Remember	101
"The Day is Done"	126
A Psalm of Life	127
Samuel Brown	142

Cavazza, Elizabeth
Modern Versification on Ancient Themes	346

Coleridge, Samuel Taylor
[387]The House That Jack Built	31

Collins, Mortimer
If!	274

Cook, Rev. Joseph
Boston Nursery Rhymes	32

Deane, Anthony C.
An Ode	237
Bo-Peep	294
Imitation	296
The Three Mice	304
Jack and Jill	309
Little Jack Horner	315
The Cult of the Celtic	317

Doveton, F. P.
Some Day	329

Duan, Jon
The Rout of Belgravia	84

Fanshawe, Catherine M.
Fragment in Imitation of Wordsworth	52

Gilbert, W. S.
To the Stall-Holders at a Fancy Fair	21

Henley, W. E.
Culture in the Slums	322

Herford, Oliver
Song	27
A Song of a Heart	33
Godiva	177

Hilton, A. C.
The Heathen Pass-ee	286
The Vulture and the Husbandman	265

Hood, Tom, Jr.
The Tea	82
The Cannibal Flea	145

Huntley, Stanley
[388]Annabel Lee	147

Johnson, Hilda
The Legend of Realism	313

Jonson, Ben
Answer to Master Wither's Song, "Shall I, Wasting in Despair?"	25

Judy
Sarah's Halls	80
The Bells	148
Imitation of Walt Whitman	221
Remember	263

Keats, John
A Portrait	15

King, Ben
How Often	129
If I Should Die To-Night	331

Kipling, Rudyard
Jane Smith	54
Commonplaces	97
The Flight of the Bucket	206
The Jam-Pot	210
Estunt the Griff	235
The Maid of the Meerschaum	275
Quaeritur	277

Lampton, W. J.
The New Version	138

Le Gallienne, Richard
A Melton Mowbray Pork-Pie	278

Leigh, Henry S.
Only Seven	55
'Twas Ever Thus	81

Loomis, Charles Battell
Propinquity Needed	241
Jack and Jill	348

Mackintosh, Newton
Lucy Lake	57

Masson, Tom
[389]Desolation	130

Masterson, Kate
The Modern Rubaiyat	7

Maxwell, J. C.
Rigid Body Sings	48

Mayhew, Horace
Cockney Enigma on the Letter H	49

Minor, Tennyson
The Bather's Dirge	155

Moore, Augustus M.
A Ballade of Ballade-Mongers	322

Newell, Robert Henry
The Rejected "National Hymns"	352

Pain, Barry
A Theme with Variations	356
The Poets at Tea	359

Parke, Walter
Foam and Fangs	278

Planché, J. R.
Self-Evident	104

Pope, A.
The Domicile of John	34

Punch
The Aesthete to the Rose	40
The Birds and the Pheasant	131
The Goblin Goose	150
A Laureate's Log	178
A Maudle-in Ballad	300

Quiller-Couch, A. T.
Lady Jane	69
De Tea Fabula	289

Riley, James Whitcomb
Song	22

Sawyer, William
[390]The Recognition	180

Seaman, Owen
Lines Written ("By Request") for a Dinner of the Omar Khayyam Club	10
To Julia Under Lock and Key	27
At the Sign of the Cock	248
A Song of Renunciation	279

Sherman, Frank Dempster
Mary and the Lamb	37

Stauffer, Frank H.
Three Little Fishers	229

Stephen, J. K.
A Grievance	85
Imitation of Robert Browning	210
The Last Ride Together	212
Imitation of Walt Whitman	224

Swift, Dean
A Love Song	331

Swinburne, Algernon Charles
The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell	180
Up the Spout	215
The Poet and the Woodlouse	224
Nephelidia	282

Taylor, Bayard
Ode on a Jar of Pickles	94
Gwendoline	118
Hiram Hover	133
The Promissory Note	143
Sir Eggnogg	175
By the Sea	203
Angelo Orders His Dinner	205
Camerados	220
The Nettle	231
Hadramaut	233
The Cantelope	243
Cimabuella	255
The Shrimp-Gatherers	261
[391]The Lay of Macaroni	284

Thackeray, W. M.
Timbuctoo.—Part I	183
The Willow-Tree	188
Old Fashioned Fun	333

Vail, Clara Warren
Bed During Exams	298

Waring, H. C.
Quite the Cheese	302

Webb, C. H.
The Lost Word	246

Wells, Carolyn
The Baby's Omar	12
The Whist-Player's Soliloquy	23
Oyster-Crabs	41
The Poster Girl	257
The Poets at a House-Party	363

Whiting, Lilian
The Three Poets	230

Wildgoose, Oscura
More Impressions	299

Wilkie, A. C.
An Old Song by New Singers	368

INDEX OF AUTHORS
PARODIED

Aldrich, Thomas Bailey	355
Austin, Alfred	237

Browning, Mrs.	116
Browning, Robert	193, 360, 368
Bryant, William Cullen	354
Bunn, Alfred	103
Burns, Robert	45, 363
Byron	84

Campbell, Thomas	72
Carroll, Lewis	264
Chaucer	14, 365
Coleridge	61
Cornwall, Barry	83
Cowper	360
Crane, Stephen	366

Dickens, Charles	191
Dobson, Austin	292, 339, 348, 368
Dooley, Mr.	367
Dryden	41

Emerson	113, 354

Fanshawe, Catherine	49
[396]Field, Eugene	366

Gilbert, W. S.	239
Goldsmith, Oliver	44, 340

Harte, Bret	286, 337
Heine	96
Hemans, Mrs.	93
Henley, W. E.	296
Herrick	27
Holmes, Dr. Oliver Wendell	353
Hood, Thomas	98
Horace	339
Houghton, Lord	153
Howitt, Mary	114

Ingelow, Jean	259

James, Henry	365

Keats	94
Khayyam, Omar	3, 364
Kingsley, Charles	229
Kipling, Rudyard	305, 364

Lang, Andrew	294, 369
Longfellow, Henry W.	120, 352, 369

Macaulay, Lord	105, 359
MacLeod, Fiona	317
Meredith, George	248
Moore, Thomas	76
Morris, William	235

Norton, Mrs.	136
Nursery Rhymes	29

Omar Khayyam	3, 364

Phillips, Stephen	315
[397]Poe, Edgar Allan	139, 362
Pope, Alexander	340
Popular Songs	324
Procter, A. A.	244

Rossetti, Christina	263
Rossetti, D. G.	252, 362

Scott, Sir Walter	58, 358
Shakespeare	17
Southey, Robert	66
Spenser, Edmund	15, 356
Stevenson, R. L.	298
Stoddard, Mrs. R. H.	231
Stoddard, R. H.	243
Swift, Dr. Jonathan	357
Swinburne, Algernon C.	268, 335, 349, 360, 366, 370

Taylor, Bayard	233
Taylor, Jane	82
Tennyson	155, 359
Thackeray	188
Tupper	185

Vers de Société	319

Waller	40
Watson, William	304
Watts, Doctor	42
Whitman	219, 341, 349, 363, 364
Whittier	133, 353
Wilde, Oscar	299
Willis, N. P.	355
Wither	25
Wolfe, Charles	88
Wordsworth	51, 361

Yeats, W. B.	317

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