The Project Gutenberg eBook of Tobogganing on Parnassus, by Franklin P. Adams

    _If that these vagrant verses make
      One heart more glad; if they but bring
    A single smile, for that One's sake
      I should be satisfied to sing.
    As Locker said, in phrasing fitter,
    Pleased if but One should like the twitter.

    If I have eased one heart of pain;
      If I have made one throb or thrill;
    My labour has not been in vain.
      My work has not been all for nil,
    If only One, from Maine to Kansas,
    Shall say "I like his simple stanzas."

    If but a solitary voice
      Should say "These verses polyglot
    Are not so bad," I should rejoice;
      But oh, my publishers would not!
      * * * * *
    And I, though shy and unanointed,
    Should be a little disappointed._

Us Poets
Rubber-Stamp Humour
The Simple Stuff
"Carpe Diem" or Cop The Day
That for Money!
Xanthias Jollied
Horace the Wise
Jealousy
To Be Quite Frank
R. S. V. P.
Advice
When Horace "Came Back"
Nix on the Fluffy Stuff
Catullus, Considerable Kisser
V. Catullus Explains
The Rich Man
To-night
Those Two Boys
Help! The Passionate Householder to His Love
The Servants
Our Dum'd Animals
A Soft Susurrus
A Summer Summary
A Quatrain
To a Light Housekeeper
How?
Ballade of the Breakfast Table
Ornithology
To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour
To Alice-Sit-By-the-Hour (Second Idyl)
Notions
My Ladye's Eyen
To a Lady
"A Perfect Woman Nobly Planned"
An Ultimatum to Myrtilla
Love Gustatory
She Is Not Fair
To Myrtilla, Again
Myrtilla's Third Degree
To Myrtilla Complaining
Christmas Cards - To the Grocery Boy
                  To the Janitor
                  To the Waiter
                  To the Apartment House Telephone Girl
                  To the Barber
                  To the Hall and Elevator Boy
Ballade of a Hardy Annual
A Plea
Footlight Motifs—Mrs. Fiske
Footlight Motifs—Olga Nethersole
Ballade of the Average Reader
Poesy's Guerdon
Signal Service
Sporadic Fiction
Popular Ballad; "Never Forget Your Parents"
Ballade to a Lady (To Annabelle)
To a Thesaurus
The Ancient Lays
Erring in Company
The Limit
Chorus for Mixed Voices
The Translated Way
"And Yet It Is a Gentle Art."
Occasionally
Jim and Bill
When Nobody Listens
Office Mottoes
Metaphysics
Heads and Tails
An Election Night Pantoum
I Can Not Pay That Premium
Three Authors
To Quotation
Melodrama
A Poor Excuse, but Our Own
Monotonous Variety
The Amateur Botanist
A Word for It
The Poem Speaks
Bedbooks
A New York Child's Garden of Verses
Downward, Come Downward
Speaking of Hunting
The Flat Hunter's Way
Birds and Bards
A Wish—An Apartmental Ditty
The Monument of Q. H. F.

Wordsworth wrote some tawdry stuff;
Much of Moore I have forgotten;
Parts of Tennyson are guff;
Bits of Byron, too, are rotten.

All of Browning isn't great;
There are slipshod lines in Shelley;
Every one knows Homer's fate;
Some of Keats is vermicelli.

Sometimes Shakespeare hit the slide,
Not to mention Pope or Milton;
Some of Southey's stuff is snide.
Some of Spenser's simply Stilton.

When one has to boil the pot,
One can't always watch the kittle.
You may credit it or not—
Now and then I slump a little!

If couples mated but for love;
  If women all were perfect cooks;
  If Hoosier authors wrote no books;
        If horses always won;
If people in the flat above
  Were silent as the very grave;
  If foreign counts were prone to save;
        If tailors did not dun—

If automobiles always ran
  As advertised in catalogues;
  If tramps were not afraid of dogs;
        If servants never left;
If comic songs would always scan;
  If Alfred Austin were sublime;
  If poetry would always rhyme;
        If authors all were deft—

If office boys were not all cranks
  On base-ball; if the selling price
  Of meat and coal and eggs and ice
        Would stop its mad increase;
If women started saying "Thanks"
  When men gave up their seats in cars;
  If there were none but good cigars,
        And better yet police—

If there were no such thing as booze;
  If wifey's mother never came
  To visit; if a foot-ball game
        Were mild and harmless sport;
If all the Presidential news
  Were colourless; if there were men
  At every mountain, sea-side, glen,
        River and lake resort—

If every girl were fair of face;
  If women did not fear to get
  Their suits for so-called bathing wet—
        If all these things were true,
This earth would be a pleasant place.
  But where would people get their laughs?
  And whence would spring the paragraphs?
        And what would jokers do?

AD PUERUM

Nix on the Persian pretence!
  Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus!
Wreaths of the linden tree, hence!
Nix on the Persian pretence!
Waiter, here's seventy cents—
  Come, let me celebrate Bacchus!
Nix on the Persian pretence!
  Myrtle for Quintus H. Flaccus.

AD LEUCONOEN

It is not right for you to know, so do not ask,
  Leuconoe,
How long a life the gods may give or ever we
  are gone away;
Try not to read the Final Page, the ending
  colophonian,
Trust not the gypsy's tea-leaves, nor the
  prophets Babylonian.
Better to have what is to come enshrouded
  in obscurity
Than to be certain of the sort and length of
  our futurity.
Why, even as I monologue on wisdom and
  longevity
How Time has flown! Spear some of it!
  The longest life is brevity.

AD C. SALLUSTIUM CRISPUM

Sallust, I know you of old,
How you hate the sight of gold—
"Idle ingots that encumber
Mother Earth"—I've got your number.

Why is Proculeius known
From Elmira to Malone?
For his money? Don't upset me!
For his love of folks—you get me?

Choke the Rockefeller yen
For the clink of iron men!
Happiness it will not mint us,
Take it from your Uncle Quintus.

Fancy food and wealthy drink
Raise Gehenna with a gink;
Pastry, terrapin, and cheeses
Bring on gout and swell diseases.

Phraates upon the throne
Old King Cyrus used to own
Fails to hoodwink or deceive me,
Cyrus was some king, believe me!

Get me right: a man's-size prince
Knows that money is a quince.
When they see the Yellow Taffy,
Reg'lar Princes don't go daffy.

AD XANTHIAM PHOCEUM

Nay, Xanthias, feel unashamed
That she you love is but a servant.
Remember, lovers far more famed
Were just as fervent.

Achilles loved the pretty slave
Briseis for her fair complexion;
And to Tecmessa Ajax gave
His young affection.

Why, Agamemnon at the height
Of feasting, triumph, and anointment,
Left everything to keep, one night,
A small appointment.

And are you sure the girl you love—
This maid on whom you have your heart set
Is lowly—that she is not of
The Roman smart set?

A maiden modest as is she,
So full of sweetness and forbearance,
Must be all right; her folks must be
Delightful parents.

Her arms and face I can commend,
And, as the writer of a poem,
I fain would compliment, old friend,
The limbs below 'em.

Nay, be not jealous. Stop your fears.
My tendencies are far from sporty.
Besides, the number of my years
Is over forty.

AD PYRRHAM

What lady-like youth in his wild aberrations
  Is putting cologne on his brow?
For whom are the puffs and the blond transformations?
  I wonder who's kissing you now.
[Footnote: Paraphraser's note: Horace beat the modern song
           writers to this. The translation is literal
           enough—"Quis…gracilis te puer…urget?".]

Tee hee! I must laugh when I think of his finish,
Not wise to your ways and your rep.
Ha! ha! how his fancy for you will diminish!
I know, for I'm Jonathan Hep.

AD LYDIAM

What time thou yearnest for the arms
Of Telephus, I fain would twist 'em;
When thou dost praise his other charms
It just upsets my well-known system;
My brain is like a three-ring circus,
In short, it gets my capra hircus.

My reason reels, my cheeks grow pale,
My heart becomes unduly spiteful,
My verses in the Evening Mail
Are far from snappy and delightful.
I put a civil question, Lyddy:
Is that a way to treat one's stiddy?

What mean those marks upon thee, girl?
Those prints of brutal osculation?
Great grief! that lowlife and that churl!
That Telephus abomination!
Can him, O votary of Venus,
Else everything is off between us.

O triply beatific those
Whose state is classified as married,
Untroubled by the green-eyed woes,
By such upheavals never harried.
Ay, three times happy are the wed ones,
Who cleave together till they're dead ones.

IN CHLORIN

Your conduct, naughty Chloris, is
Not just exactly Horace's
Ideal of a lady
At the shady
Time of life;
You mustn't throw your soul away
On foolishness, like Pholoe—
Her days are folly-laden—
She's a maiden,
You're a wife.

Your daughter, with propriety,
May look for male society,
Do one thing and another
In which mother
Shouldn't mix;
But revels Bacchanalian
Are—or should be—quite alien
To you a married person,
Something worse'n
Forty-six!

Yes, Chloris, you cut up too much,
You love the dance and cup too much,
  Your years are quickly flitting—
  To your knitting,
    Right about!
Forget the incidental things
That keep you from parental things—
  The World, the Flesh, the Devil,
  On the level,
    Cut 'em out!

R.S.V.P.

AD PHYLLIDEM

Phyllis, I've a keg of fine fermented grape juice,
Alban wine that's been nine years in the cellar.
Ivy chaplets? Sure. Also, in the garden,
Plenty of parsley.

See my little shack—why, you'd hardly know it.
All the rooms are swept, Sunday-like and shiny;
Flowers all around, altar simply famished—
Hungry for lamb stew.

Neighbours all are coming over to the party,
All the busy boys, all the giggling girlies,
Whiffs of certain things wafted from the kitchen—
Simply delicious.

Oh, of course. You ask why the fancy fireworks,
Why the awning out, why the stylish doings.
Well, I'll tell you why. It's Maecenas' birthday
13th of April.

Telephus? Oh, tush! Pass him up completely!
Telly's such a swell; Telly doesn't love you;
Telly is a trifler; Telly's running round with
Some other fairy.

Phyllie, don't mismate; those that do regret it.
Phaeton—you know his unhappy story;
Poor Bellerophon, too, you must remember,
Pegasus shook him.

If these few remarks, rather aptly chosen,
Make a hit with you, come, don't make me jealous.
Let me sing you songs of my own composing,
Oh, come on over!

AD ARIUSTUM FUSCUM

Take it from me: A guy who's square,
His chances always are the best.
I'm in the know, for I've been there,
And that's no ancient Roman jest.

What time he hits the hay to rest
There's nothing on his mind but hair,
No javelin upon his chest—
Take it from me, a guy who's square.

There's nothing that can throw a scare
Into the contents of his vest;
His name is Eva I-Don't-Care;
His chances always are the best.

Why, once, when I was way out West,
Singing to Lalage, a bear
Came up, and I was some distressed—
I'm in the know, for I've been there.

But back he went into his lair,
(Cage, corner, den, retreat, nook, nest),
And left me to "The Maiden's Prayer"—
And that's no ancient Roman jest.

In Newtonville or Cedar Crest,
  In Cincinnati or Eau Claire,
I'll warble till I am a pest,
  "My Lalage"—no matter where—
    Take it from me!

Fuscus, my friend, take it from me—
I know the world and what it's made of—
One on the square has naught to be
Afraid of.

The Moorish bows and javelins? Nope.
Such deadly things need not alarm him.
Why, even arrows dipped in dope
Can't harm him!

He's safe in any clime or land,
Desert or river, hill or valley;
Safe in all places on the Rand-
McNally.

Why, one day in my Sabine grot,
I sang for Lalage to hear me;
A wolf came in and he did not
Come near me!

Ah, set me on the sunless plain,
In China, Norway, or Matanzas,
Ay, place me anywhere from Maine
To Kansas.

Still of my Lalage I'll sing,
Where'er the Fates may chance to drop me;
And nobody nor anything
Shall stop me.

CARMEN AMOEBAEUM

HORACE

When I was your stiddy, my loveliest Lyddy,
And you my embraceable she,
In joys and diversions, the king of the Persians
Had nothing on me.

LYDIA

When I was the person you penned all that verse on,
Ere Chloe had caused you to sigh,
Not she whose cognomen is Ilia the Roman
Was happier than I.

HORACE

Ah, Chloe the Thracian—whose sweet modulation
Of voice as she lilts to the lyre
Is sweeter and fairer? Would but the Fates spare her
I'd love to expire.

LYDIA

Tush! Calais claims me and wholly inflames me,
He pesters me never with rhymes;
If they should spare Cally, I'd perish to_tal_ly
A couple of times.

HORACE

Suppose my affection in Lyddy's direction
Returned; that I gave the good-by
To Chloe the golden, and back to the olden?—
I pause for reply.

LYDIA

Cheer up, mine ensnarer! Be Calais fairer
Than stars, be you blustery and base,
I'll love you, adore you; in brief, I am for you
All over the place.

HORACE

What time I was your one best bet
And no one passed the wire before me,
Dear Lyddy, I cannot forget
How you would—yes, you would—adore me.
To others you would tie the can;
You thought of me with no aversion.
In those days I was happier than
A Persian.

LYDIA

Correct. As long as you were not
So nuts about this Chloe person,
Your flame for me burned pretty hot—
Mine was the door you pinned your verse on.
Your favourite name began with L,
While I thought you surpassed by no man—
Gladder than Ilia, the well-
Known Roman.

HORACE

On Chloe? Yes, I've got a case;
Her voice is such a sweet soprano;
Her people come from Northern Thrace;
You ought to hear her play piano.
If she would like my suicide—
If she'd want me a dead and dumb thing,
Me for a glass of cyanide,
Or something.

LYDIA

Now Calais, the handsome son
Of old Ornitus, has me going;
He says I am his honey bun,
He's mine, however winds are blowing;
I think that he is awful nice,
And, if the gods the signal gave him,
I'd just as lieve die once or twice
To save him.

HORACE

Suppose I'm gone on you again,
Suppose I've got ingrown affection
For you; I sort of wonder, then,
If you'd have any great objection.
Suppose I pass this Chloe up
And say:"Go roll your hoop, I'm rid o' ye!"
Would that drop sweetness in your cup?
Eh, Lydia?

LYDIA

Why, say—though he's fair as a star,
And you are like a cork, erratic
And light—and though I know you are
As blustery as the Adriatic,
I think I'd rather live with you
Or die with you, I swear to gracious.
So I will be your Mrs. Q.
Horatius.

AD CYNTHIAM

Why, my love, the yellow trinkets
  In your tresses' purer gold?
Why the Syrian perfume? Think it's
  Nice to be thus aureoled?
Why the silken robes that rustle?
  Why the pigment on the map?
Think you all that fume and fuss'll
       Ever charm a chap?

Mother Earth is unaffected—
  Is her beauty therefore less?
Is she gray or ill-complected?
  I should call her some success.
Soft the murmur of the river,
  Bright the shore that lines the sea—
Is the universe a flivver?
        No, take it from me.

Castor loved the lady Phoebe
For no bought or borrowed wile;
Hillaira—wasn't she be-
Loved without excessive style?
Hippodamia slaved no fashions—
All that braver, elder time
Is replete with simple passions
Difficult to rhyme.

Nay, my Cynthia, sweet and smile-ish,
Take it from your own Propert,
Don't essay to be so stylish,
Don't attempt the harem skirt.
I am ever Yours Sincerely,
Past the shadow of a doubt,
Yours Forever, if you'll merely
Cut the frivol out.

How many kisses, Lesbia, miss, you ask would
      be enough for me?
I cannot sum the total number; nay, that were
      too tough for me.
The sands that o'er Cyrene's shore lie sweetly
      odoriferous,
The stars that sprent the firmament when
      overly stelliferous—
Come, Lezzy, please add all of these, until the
      whole amount of 'em
Will sorely vex the rubbernecks attempting
      to keep count of 'em.

ODE LXXXV: AD LESBIAM

Hark thou, my Lesbia, there be none existent
Can truly say she hath been loved by me
As thou hast been. No faith is more consistent
Than that which V. Catullus gives to thee.

How reasonless the state of an emotion!
For wert thou faultless, perfect, and sublime,
I could not like thee; nor would my devotion
And love be less wert thou the Queen of Crime.

The rich man has his motor-car,
His country and his town estate.
He smokes a fifty-cent cigar
And jeers at Fate.

He frivols through the livelong day,
He knows not Poverty her pinch.
His lot seems light, his heart seems gay,
He has a cinch.

Yet though my lamp burns low and dim,
Though I must slave for livelihood—
Think you that I would change with him?
You bet I would!

_
Love me to-night! Fold your dear arms around me—
Hurt me—I do but glory in your might!
Tho' your fierce strength absorb, engulf, and drown me,
Love me to-night!

The world's wild stress sounds less than our own heart-beat
Its puny nothingness sinks out of sight.
Just you and I and Love alone are left, sweet—
Love me to-night!

Love me to-night! I care not for to-morrow—
  Look in my eyes, aglow with Love's own light:
Full soon enough will come daylight, and sorrow—
                    Love me to-night!
_
           —BEATRICE M. BARRY, in the Banquet Table.

We can't to-night! We're overworked and busy;
We've got a lot of paragraphs to write;
Although your invitation drives us dizzy,
We can't to-night!

But, Trixie, we admit we're greatly smit with
The heart you picture—incandescent, white.
We must confess that you have made a hit with
Us here to-night.

O Beatrice! O Tempora! O Heaven!
List to our lyre the while the strings we smite;
Where shall you be at—well, say half-past seven
To-morrow night?

When Bill was a lad he was terribly bad.
He worried his parents a lot;
He'd lie and he'd swear and pull little girls' hair;
His boyhood was naught but a blot.

At play and in school he would fracture each rule—
In mischief from autumn to spring;
And the villagers knew when to manhood he grew
He would never amount to a thing.

When Jim was a child he was not very wild;
He was known as a good little boy;
He was honest and bright and the teacher's delight—
To his mother and father a joy.

All the neighbours were sure that his virtue'd endure,
That his life would be free of a spot;
They were certain that Jim had a great head on him
And that Jim would amount to a lot.

And Jim grew to manhood and honour and fame
And bears a good name;
While Bill is shut up in a dark prison cell—
You never can tell.

Come, live with us and be our cook,
And we will all the whimsies brook
That German, Irish, Swede, and Slav
And all the dear domestics have.

And you shall sit upon the stoop
What time we go and cook the soup,
And you shall hear, both night and day,
Melodious pianolas play.

And we will make the beds, of course,
You'll have two autos and a horse,
A lady to Marcel your tresses,
And all the madame's half-worn dresses.

Your gowns shall be of lace and silk,
Your laving shall be done in milk.
Two trained physicians when you cough,
And Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays off.

When you are mashing Irish spuds
You'll wear the very finest duds.
If good to you these prospects look,
Come, live with us and be our cook.

On callers we have put no stops,
We love the iceman and the cops,
And no alarm clock with its ticks
And bell to ring at half-past six.

O Gretchen, Bridget, Hulda, Mary,
Come, be our genius culinary.
If good to you these prospects look,
Come, live with us and be our cook.

We've taken our cooks where we've found 'em;
  We've answered many an ad;
We've had our pickin' o' servants,
  And most of the lot was bad.
Some was Norahs an' Bridgets;
  Tillie she came last fall;
Claras and Fannies and Lenas and Annies,
  And now we've got none at all.

Now, we don't know much about servants,
  For, takin' 'em all along,
You never can tell till you've tried 'em,
  And then you are like to be wrong.
There's times when you'll think that they're perfect;
  There's times when you'll think that they're bum,
But the things you'll learn from those that have gone
  May help you with those to come.

Norah, she landed from Dublin,
Green as acushla machree;
Norah was willing and anxious
To learn what a servant should be.
We told Mrs. Kirk all about her—
She offered her seven more per—
Now Norah she works, as you know, for the Kirks—
And we learned about servants from her.

Lena we got from an "office";
Lena was saving and Dutch—
Thought that our bills were enormous,
And told us we spent far too much.
Lena decamped with some silver,
Jewelry, laces and fur—
She was loving and kind, with a Socialist mind—
And we learned about servants from her.

Tillie blew in from the Indies,
Black as the middle of night—
Cooked like a regular Savarin—
Kitchen was shiny an' bright.
Everything ran along lovely
Until—it was bound to occur—
She ran away with a porter one day—
But we learned about servants from her.

We've taken our cooks where we've found them,
  Yellow and black and white;
Some was better than others,
  But none of the lot was right.
And the end of it's only worry
  And trouble and bother and fuss—
When you answer an ad., think of those we have had
  And learn about servants from us.

What time I seek my virtuous couch to steal
Some surcease from the labours of the day,
Ere silence like a poultice comes to heal—
In short, when I prepare to hit the hay;
Ere slumber's chains (I quote from Moore) have bound me,
I hear a lot of noises all around me.

Time was when falling off the well-known log
Were harder far than falling off to sleep;
But that was ere my neighbour's gentle dog
Began to think he was defending sheep.
From twelve to two his barking and his howling
Accompanies two torn cats' nightly yowling.

At two-ten sharp the parrot in the flat
Across the way his monologue essays.
At three, again, as Gilbert says, the cat;
At four a milkman's horse, exulted, neighs.
At six-fifteen, nor does it ever vary,
I hear the dulcet tones of a canary.

Each living thing I love; I love the birds;
  The beasts in field and forest, too, I love,
But I have writ these poor, if metric words,
  To query which, by all the pow'rs above,
Of all the animals—pray tell me, some one—
  Is called by any courtesy a dumb one?

A soft susurrus in the night,
  A song whose singer is unseen—
'Twere poetry itself to write
  "A soft susurrus in the night!"
I know, as those mosquitos bite,
  That I forgot to fix that screen,
"A soft susurrus in the night!"
  A song whose singer is unseen.

Shall I, lying in a grot,
Die because the day is hot?
Or declare I can't endure
Such a torrid temperature?
Be it hotter than the flames
South Gehenna Junction claims,
If it be not so to me,
What care I how hot it be?

Shall I say I love the town
Praised by Robinson and Browne?
Shall I say, "In summer heat
Old Manhattan can't be beat?"
Be it luring as a bar,
Or my neighbour's motor-car,
If I think it is pazziz
What care I how fine it is?

Shall I prate of rural joys
Far from civic smoke and noise?
Shall I, like the others, drool
"But the nights are always cool?"
If I hate to rise at six
Shall I praise the suburbs? Nix!
If the country's not for me,
What care I how good it be?

Town or country, cool or hot,
Differs nothing, matters not;
For to quote that Roman cuss,
Why dispute "de gustibus?"
If to this or that one should
Take a fancy, it is good.
If these rhymes look good to me,
What care I how bad they be?

A quatrain fills a little space,
Although it's pretty small,
And oftentimes, as in this case,
It has no point at all.

(Who hitches laundering articles to the curtain string and pastes them on the pane.)

Lady, thou that livest
  Just across the way,
If a hang thou givest
   What the people say,
If a cuss thou carest
   What a poet thinks—
Hearken, if thou darest,
  Most immodest minx!

Though thy gloves thou tiest,
  To the curtain string,
Though the things thou driest
  Gird me while I sing,
Hankies and inventions
  Of the lacy tribe—
Things I may not mention,
  Let alone describe.

These I mutely stand for
Though the sight offend,
THIS I reprimand for;
Take it from a friend:

Cease to pin thy tresses
To the window sill,
Or I'll tell the presses—
Honestly, I will.

How can I work when you play the piano,
Feminine person above?
How can I think, with your ceaseless soprano
Singing: "Ah, Love—"?

How can I dream of a subject aesthetic,
Far from the purlieus of prose?
How, with the call of the peripatetic
"High! High cash clo'es!"?

How can I write when the children are crying?
How can I poetize—how?
How can I help imper_fect_ versifying?
(There is some now.)

How can I bathe in the thought—waves of
beauty?
How, with my nerves on the slant,
Can I perform my poetical duty?
Frankly, I can't.

When the Festal Board, as the papers say,
  Groans 'neath the weight of a lot to eat,
At breakfast, Fruhstuck or dejeuner,
  (As a bard tri-lingual I'm rather neat)
  At breakfast, then, if I may repeat,
This is what gets me into a huff,
  This is a query I cannot beat:
Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

I've broken my fast with the grave and gay,
  With hoi polloi and with the elite;
I've been all over the U. S. A.
  From Dorchester Crossing to Kearney Street.
  But aye when I sit in the morning seat
Comes to my notice the self-same bluff,
  Plenty of food, but in this they cheat:
Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

Take it at breakfast, only to-day:
  This was the layout, fresh and sweet:
Canteloupe, sweet as the new-mown hay;[Footnote: And about as edible.]
  Cereal—one of the brands[Footnote: To advertisers: This space for sale.]
     of wheat;
  Soft—boiled eggs (we've cut out the meat);
Coffee (a claro—manila—buff);
  Napery, china, and glasses complete—
Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

L'ENVOI

Autocratesses, forgive my heat,
But isn't it time to change that stuff?
Small is the benison I entreat—
Why don't they ever have spoons enough?

Unlearned I in ornithology—
  All I know about the birds
Is a bunch of etymology,
  Just a lot of high—flown words.
Is the curlew an uxorial
  Bird? The Latin name for crow?
Is the bulfinch grallatorial?
        I dunno.

O'er my head no golden gloriole
  Ever shall be proudly set
For my knowledge of the oriole,
  Eagle, ibis, or egrette.
I know less about the tanager
  And its hopes and fears and aims
Than a busy Broadway manager
        Does of James.

But, despite my incapacity
  On the birdies of the air,
I am not without sagacity,
  Be it ne'er so small a share.
This I know, though ye be scorning at
  What I know not, though ye mock,
Birdies wake me every morning at
        Four o'clock.

Lady in the blue kimono, you that live across the way,
One may see you gazing, gazing, gazing all the livelong day,
Idly looking out your window from your vantage point above.
Are you convalescent, lady? Are you worse? Are you in love?

Ever gazing, as you hang there on the little window seat,
Into flats across the way or down upon the prosy street.
Can't you rent a pianola? Can't you iron, sew, or cook?
Write a letter, bake a pudding, make a bed or read a book?

Tell me of the fascination you indubitably find
In the "High Cash Cloe's!" man's holler, in the hurdy—gurdy grind.
Are your Spanish castles blue prints? Are you waiting for a knight
To descend upon your fastness and to save you from your plight?

Lady in the blue kimono, idle, mollycoddle dame,
Does your doing nothing never make you feel the blush of shame?
As you sit and stare and ditto, not a single thing to do,
Lady in the blue kimono, lady, how I envy you!

Lady in the blue kimono,
  May we write of you again?
Do not hand us out a "No! no!"
  Do not dam the flowing pen.
Once again a poem at you
  Crave we leave of you to write—
Lady idle as a statue,
  Lady silent as the night!

Lady in the blue kimono,
  Heavy is our heart and dumb,
Though we weep no tear nor show no
  Sign of sadness, we are glum;
For that wrapper, silk or cotton,
  You eternally had on—
It is gone, but not forgotten.
  Still the fact is, it is gone.

Lady in the blue kimono,
Although deadly hot the day,
Don't you think—(alas! we know no
Way to put what we would say!)

Er—although your smile is pleasant,
Wondrous fair, and all that stuff—
Do you really think, at present,
It is—er—ahem—enough?

Myrtie, my notion of no one to write about
Seems to be any one other than you;
Therefore, Myrtilla, I'm penning to-night about
Twelve anapestic good verses and true.

Eke my conception of no girl to gaze upon,
O my Myrtilla, includes all the rest,
Saving the one that I'm spilling this praise upon—
You, as it isn't unlikely you've guessed.

Also my notion of nowhere to be at all—
Pardon, Myrtilla, my lack of restraint—
Notion of mapless location is——d. it all—
Anywhere you simultaneous ain't.

Poets ther ben in plenteous line yt take ye auncient theme
Of singing to a ladye's eyen whiche maken them to dreme,
And through ye blessed hours of slepe—thilk eyen or browne or blue
Doe soothe ye poet's slumbers deep: by goddiswoundes thaie doe!

O gentil reder, wit ye well, yt mony soche ther bee,
And whan an eyefulle damosel hath made a hitte wyth mee,
Hir eyen ben soe o'erpassing bright yt holden mee in thrall,
I tosse about ye livelong night, nor can ne slepe atte all.

Ah, Lady, if these verses glowed
Warmer than chill appreciation—
If they should lengthen to an "Ode
On Fascination—"

If I should cast this cold restraint,
Nor dam this pen's o'ereager flowing—
If but your portrait I should paint
In colours glowing—

Assuming I should write such dope—
If, haply, you can but conceive it—
As Fahrenheit as Laurence Hope—
You'd not believe it.

YOU'D not; but, oh, Another would!
  For, by and large and altogether,
Us potes must be misunderstood.
               * * *
        What lovely weather!

(The man who wants the perfect wife should marry a "stock-size." She comes cheaper.—London Chronicle.)

Ah, Myrtilla, woe and dear me!
Lackadaydee and alas!
What is this, I greatly fear me,
That has come to pass?

Craving, as I do, perfection,
Loathing anything like flaws,
I must raise a slight objection
To your building laws.

You are five one-and-a-quarter,
And your girth is thirty-three—
Myrtie, you're a little shorter
Than you ought to be.

It is far from my intentions
Your proportions to describe,
Briefly, Myrtie, your dimensions
Do not seem to jibe.

Farewell, Myrt, for Ethelisa
Seems to be my certain fate,
Stupid? Silly? Sure, but she's a
Perfect thirty-eight.

Ah, Myrtilla mine, you said—
And your tone was earnest, very—
You would never deck your head
With this vernal millinery.

Myrt, to mince no words, you lied;
Oh, that I should live to know it!
You that are my nearly-bride;
I that am your nearly-poet!

For I saw the awful lid
You had on at 10 this morning;
Myrt, it was a merrywid,
Spite of my decisive warning.

Still, I can forgive you that;
Though the thing look ne'er so silly;
I will overlook the hat
If you promise this, Myrtillie:

Wear your lacebelows and fluffs;
Wear the awfullest creations—
But—omit the stylish puffs
And the vogueish transformations.

Myrt, if you inflate your hair
I shall—well—excoriate you,
And, I positively swear,
Loathe, despise, detest, and hate you.

Myrtilla, I have seen you eat—
Have heard you drink, to be precise—
Your soup, and, notwithstanding, sweet,
The gurgitation wasn't nice,
I overlooked a tiny fault
Like that with just a grain of salt.

And, sweetest maid in all New York,
When all ungracefully you pierce
The toothsome oyster with your fork
I realize you're pretty fierce;
But such a feat, be't understood,
Nor Venus nor Diana could.

I've seen you hang, high in the air,
A stalk of fresh asparagus,
Guiding its succulence to where
It ought to go. I did not cuss.
You had it hot and vinaigrette,
Myrtilla, and I loved you yet.

Myrt, I have stood for a good deal,
As one will in this Cupid game,
But now I know I'll never feel
Toward you, dear Tillie, quite the same
Since I have seen you on the job
Of eating corn—corn on the cob.

"She is not fair to outward view";
No beauty hers of form or face
She hath no witchery, 'tis true,
No grace.

Nor pretty wit, nor well-stored mind,
Nor azure eyes, nor golden hair
Hath she. She is—I am not blind—
Not fair.

What makes me love her, then? say you,
For such a maid is not my wont.
Love her! What makes you think I do?
I don't.

Myrtilla, when the thought of you
Obstructs my cold, unbiased view,
      And keeps me from
      My hard though hum-
             Ble task,
I do not murmur nor complain
I do not ululate nor feign
      A love for vin
      Or what is in
             A flask.

When, as I said in stanza first,
My mind is thoroughly immersed
      With you until
      My pulses thrill
             And throb,
I don't, in tones more picturesque
Than journalistic, slam my desk,
      And in a fit
      Of frenzy quit
             My job.

When, as I may have said before,
Your image I can not ignore,
       I do not tear
       My thinning hair
              Nor cuss;

I leave such sentimental show
To bards like Shelley, Keats, and Poe
       I merely spill
       Some ink, Myrtil-
              La, thus.

Before I trust my Fate to thee,
Or place my hand in thine—
(This is an easy parody,
Without a change of line.)
Before I peril all for thee, question thy soul to-night for me.

Is there, within thy dimmest dreams,
  This dread ambition, Myrt?
Hast thou the ghost of a desire
  To wear a hobble[Footnote: "Harem," or whatever is to come in the future,
                              may be substituted here.] skirt?
If so, at any pain or cost, oh, tell me before all is lost.

Look deeper still. Dost underline
Most words in writing letters?
Or "Local" write on envelopes?
Say, ere I bind my fetters.
Let no false pity spare the blow, but in true mercy tell me so.

Once more. Dost thou, in easy speech,
Ever let fall "those kind"?
Art thou to nutmeg in a pie
Unalterably inclined?
If aught of these, maid of my wooing, there's absolutely nothing doing.

Myrtie, you weep that the bard has neglected you,
Passed you, forgotten you, let you alone.
Bless you, Myrtilla, I never suspected you
Ever would speak to me, sweet, in that tone.

Myrtie, you say that my poems are penned to you
Only on days when I've nothing to do,
Otherwise I have no time to attend to you,
Others, you say, are more weighty than you.

Sweet, you allege I have not enough time for you,
Yes, and you say that I hold you but light,
Only when pressed do I reel off a rhyme for you

TO THE GROCERY BOY

Before you send me up that card
With rime and diction far from subtle,
Hear what a now rebellious bard
Says in a quasi-pre-rebuttal.

"A nickel in a poor boy's hat!"
You, minion of a grubbing grocer,
You dare, indeed, to ask me that?
Bold and relentless, say I, "No, sir!"

You who bring some one else's tea
To us, while ours goes to the neighbours,
And yet you dare demand from me
Reward for inefficient labours!

You who but lately made me hit
My head upon the dum-dum waiter—
From me you get no silver bit.
Fie, out upon you, youthful traitor!

Hard is my heart and tight my purse;
Deaf is my ear to all your suing.
Except this little bit of verse,
There's absolutely nothing doing.

TO THE JANITOR

Sullen, surly Scandinave,
Smoking on a pipe,
Valiantly I cast the glave
At thee and thy type.

Person of the shakeless grouch
Tamperer with the cream,
Idler, lounger, sloven, slouch
Despot of the steam—

Thou who bangest garbage cans
In the hollow court,
Thou whose children spin tin pans
Deeming it is sport—

Tyrant of the tenement,
Take thy card and flee!
Not a nickel, not a cent
Dost thou get from me.

III

TO THE WAITER

O waiter, will you tell me why
You think to get at Christmas time
A five-case note, for do not I
Slip you each day a dime?

When as I crave Prime Ribs au Jus [Footnote: Well, how do you pronounce it,
                                             then?]
    And beg that you will bring them rare,
They are well done. I fume and fuss
    And yet you do not care.

Haply I order apple pie,
But NOT your counsel or advice;
You rub your hands and tell me: "Why,
The mince is very nice."

You hide my hat, you hide my coat.
Let others, if they care to, give,
But as to this here gentle pote—
Be glad he lets you live.

TO THE APARTMENT HOUSE TELEPHONE GIRL

Proud, imperious female person
That presideth o'er my 'phone,
Hearken while I do some verse on
Thee, and thee alone.

Puffed and pompadoured and ratted,
Reading Munsey's all the day,
Pony-coated, otter-hatted—
Listen to my lay:

When I beg in desperation,
"Eight O Seven Riverside,"
Why do I get "Information"?
Is it justified?

Why—I ask it with insistence—
Why—prepare to be appalled—
Why "$2.85 Long Distance"
That I never called?

When I call thee, "They don't answer"
Tells me Central. (Oh, the crime!)
Then thou sayest, thou Romancer,
"Been here all the time!"

Tyrant trim and telephonic,
Christmas offerings to thee?
Pardon if I seem laconic:
Not a single c.

TO THE BARBER

Prince of the parlour tonsorial,
Knight of the razor and shears,
Who have from time immemorial
Snipped it too short round the ears—

You with your long academical
Causes for "thinning on top,"
Selling me gallons of chemical
Tonic, a brush, and a strop;

You with your sad comicality,
You with your bum badinage—
Confound your congeniality!
Confound your "Facial Massage?"

Still, though you shave contragrainious,[Footnote: Well, there ought to be.]
Healing the cut with a lime,
Don't I, quite nice and spontaneous,
Daily contribute a dime?

Mountain of foreign servility,
Butcher of chin and of lip.
Maugre your marked inability,
Do I not fall for the tip?

Hope you at Christmas for currency,
Fiend of tonsorial tricks?
Never was greater aberrancy—
Coarsely I say to you, "Nix!"

TO THE HALL-AND-ELEVATOR-BOY

Lo, the West Indian! whose untutored mind
To Christmas giving makes me disinclined,
Who tellest callers I have moved away
And mixest up the morning mail each day.
When for thine elevator car I ring
Thou telephonest or some other thing;
While, when I ask for Byrant Eighty-four,
Thou'rt busy somewhere on the seventh floor—
I wish thee from my soul all Christmas joy,
But not a cent, O Elevator Boy!

Many a jest that refuses to die
  Bobs up again as the seasons appear;
Deathless it hits us again in the eye—
  Changeless and dull as the calendar year.
  Musty and mouldy and yellow and sere,
Stronger, withal, than the sturdiest oak;
  Ancient and solemn and deadly and drear—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

Soon as the snow has forgotten to fly,
  All through the day of the "leathery sphere,"
Jokelets and pictures and verses we spy
  All on the theme of the grandmother dear.
  Bonnets, umbrellas, and buckets of beer
Please us and tickle us quite to the choke.
  But—on this matter our attitude's clear—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

Giggle we can at a blueberry pie;
  Scream at a comedy king or ameer;
Simply guffaw when the jestermen guy
  Marriage, a thing at which no one should jeer.
  Things that in others elicit a tear
All of our risibles simply unyoke;
  But from this stand we're unwilling to veer:
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

L'ENVOI

Brothers in motley, the season is here;
Small is the boon that we sadly invoke:
Butcher it, murder it, jump on its ear!—
Down with the grandmother-funeral joke!

Writers of baseball, attention!
  When you're again on the job—
When, in your rage for invention,
  You with the language play hob—
Most of your dope we will pardon,
  Though of the moth ball it smack;
But—cut out the "sinister garden,"
  Chop the "initial sack."

Rake poor old Roget's "Thesaurus"
  For phrases fantastic and queer;
And though on occasions you bore us,
  We will refrain from a sneer.
We will endeavour to harden
  Ourselves to the rest of your clack,
If you'll cut out the "sinister garden"
  And chop the "initial sack."

Singers of words that are scrambled,
  Say, if you will, that he "died,"
Write, if you must, that he "ambled"—
  We shall be last to deride.
But us to the Forest of Arden,
  Along with the misanthrope Jaques,
If you cling to the "sinister garden"
  And stick to "initial sack."

Speak of the "sphere's aberration,"
  Mention the "leathery globe,"
Say he got "free transportation"—
  Though that try the patience of Job.
But if you're wise you'll discard en-
  Cumbrances such as we thwack—
Especially "sinister garden"
  And the "initial sack."

MRS. FISKE

Staccato, hurried, nervous, brisk,
Cascading, intermittent, choppy,
The brittle voice of Mrs. Fiske
Shall serve me now as copy.
Assist me, O my Muse, what time
I pen a bit of Deathless Rhyme!

Time was, when first that voice I heard,
Despite my close and tense endeavour,
When many an important word
Was lost and gone forever;
Though, unlike others at the play,
I never whispered: "wha'd'd she say?"

Some words she runstogetherso;
Some others are distinctly stated;
Some cometoofast and s o m e t o o s l o w
And some are syncopated.
And yet no voice—I am sincere—
Exists that I prefer to hear.

For what is called "intelligence"
  By every Mrs. Fiskeian critic
As usual is just a sense
  Of humour, analytic.
So any time I'm glad to frisk
  Two bones to witness Mrs. Fiske.

I like little Olga,
Her plays are so warm;
And if I don't see 'em,
They'll do me no harm.

My Puritan training
Has kept me from going
To dramas in which
Little Olga was showing.

But I like little Olga,
Her art is so warm;
And if I don't see her
She'll do me no harm.

I try to touch the public taste,
  For thus I earn my daily bread.
I try to write what folks will paste
  In scrap books after I am dead.
  By Public Craving I am led.
(I' sooth, a most despotic leader)
  Yet, though I write for Tom and Ned,
I've never seen an average reader.

The Editor is good and chaste,
  But says: (Above the public's head;
This is too good; 'twill go to waste.
  Write something commonplacer—
    Ed.)
  Write for the average reader, fed
By pre-digested near-food's feeder,
  But though my high ideals have fled,
I've never seen an average reader.

How many lines have been erased!
  How many fancies have been shed!
How many failures might be traced
  To this—this average-reader dread!
  I've seen an average single bed;
I've seen an average garden-weeder;
  I've seen an average cotton thread—
I've never seen an average reader.

L'ENVOI

Most read of readers, if you've read
The works of any old succeeder,
You know that he, too, must have said:
"I've never seen an Average Reader."

( * * * I do not believe a single modern English poet is living to-day on the current proceeds of his verse.—From "Literary Taste and How to Form it," by Arnold Bennett.)

What time I pen the Mighty Line
Suffused with the spark divine
As who should say: "By George! That's fine!"

Indignantly do I deny
The words of Arnold Bennett. Why,
Is this not English verse? say I.

And by the proceeds of that verse—
Such as, e. g., these little terc-
Ets—is not filled the family purse?

Time-table! Terrible and hard
To figure! At some station lonely
We see this sign upon the card:
[Footnote Asterisk: Train 20: Stops on signal only.]

We read thee wrong; the untrained eye
Does not see always with precision.
The train we thought to travel by
[Footnote Dagger: Runs only on North-west division.]

Again, undaunted, we look at
The hieroglyphs, and as a rule a
Small double dagger shows us that
[Footnote SmallDoubleDagger: Train does not stop at Ashtabula.]

And when we take a certain line
On Tues., Wednes., Thurs., Fri., Sat., or
Monday,
We're certain to detect the sign:
[Footnote SectionMark: $10 extra fare ex. Sunday. ]

Heck Junction—Here she comes! Fft! Whiz!
A scurry—and the train has flitted!
Again we look. We find it—viz.,
[Footnote DoubleBar: Train does not stop where time omitted.]

Through hieroglyphic seas we wade—
Print is so cold and so unfeeling.
The train we wait at Neverglade
[Footnote Paragraph: Connects with C. & A. at Wheeling.]

Now hungrily the sheet we scan,
Grimy with travel, thirsty, weary,
And then—nothing is sadder than
[Footnote PointingHand: No diner on till after Erie.]

Yet, cursed as is every sign,
The cussedest that we can quote is
This treacherous and deadly line:
[Footnote TripleAsterisk: Subject to change without our notice.]

Why not a poem as they treat
  The stories in the magazines?
"Eustacia's lips were very sweet.
  He stooped to"-and here intervenes
A line—italics—telling one
  Where one may learn the things that he,
The noble hero, had begun.
      (Continuation on page 3.)

Page 3—oh, here it is—no, here—
  "Kiss them. Eustacia hung her head;
Whereat he said, 'Eustacia dear'—
  And sweetly low Eustacia said:"
      (Continued on page 17.)
  Here, just between the corset ad.
And that of Smithers' Canderine.
  (Eustacia sweet, you drive me mad.)

"No, no, not that! But let me tell
  You why I scorn your ardent kiss—
Not that I do not love you well;"
  No, Archibald, the reason's this:
      (Continued on page 24.)
  Turn, turn my leaves, and let me learn
Eustacia's fate; I pine for more;
  Oh, turn and turn and turn and turn!

"Because—and yet I ought not say
The wherefore of my sudden whim."
Here Archibald looked at Eusta-
Cia, and Eustacia looked at him.

"Because," continued she, "my head—"
I never knew Eustacia's fate,
I never knew what 'Stacia said.
(Continued on page 58.)

A young man once was sitting
  Within a swell cafe,
The music it was playing sweet—
  The people was quite gay.
But he alone was silent,
  A tear was in his eye—
A waitress she stepped up to him, and
  Asked him gently why.

He turned to her in sorrow and
  At first he spoke no word,
But soon he spoke unto her, for
  She was an honest girl.
He rose up from the table
  In that elegant cafe,
And in a voice replete with tears
  To her he then did say:

CHORUS

Never forget your father,
Think all he done for you;
A mother is a boy's best friend,
So loving, kind, and true,

If it were not for them, I'm sure
I might be quite forlorn;
And if your parents had not have lived
You would not have been born.

A hush fell on the laughing throng,
  It made them feel quite bad,
For most of them was people, and
Some parents they had had.
Both men and ladies did shed tears.
  The music it did cease.
For all knew he had spoke the truth
  By looking at his face.

The waitress she wept bitterly
  And others was in tears
It made them think of the old home
  They had not saw in years.
And while their hearts was heavy and
  Their eyes they was quite red.
This brave and honest boy again
  To them these words he said:

CHORUS

Pipe to the tip I'm handing, Kid;
  Get jerry to the salve I throw;
Just paste it in your merrywid
  While I pull out the tremolo.
  This stuff ain't any paper snow—
I never was a bull con gee—
  Wise up to this and sing it slow:
You make an awful splash with me.

My line of bunk is like to skid;
(The subject is so smooth—get joe?)
My fountain pen's an invalid;
  I can't dope words like L. Defoe
  Puts in describing up a show,
But, kiddo, you have put the bee
  On father, surest thing you know.
You make an awful splash with me.

Yop, I'm your little katydid;
  Just listen to my chirp of woe;
And now I've made my little bid—
  You get it? Follow me? Right-O!
  If I could shoot like Eddie Poe,
I guess that you'd be h-e-p,
  But here's the bet, now cop it, bo,
You make an awful splash with me.

L'ENVOI

Well, this is where the stuff I stow,
According to old Francois V;
But—once again before I blow—
You make an awful splash with me.

O precious codex, volume, tome,
Book, writing, compilation, work
Attend the while I pen a pome,
A jest, a jape, a quip, a quirk.

For I would pen, engross, indite,
Transcribe, set forth, compose, address,
Record, submit—yea, even write
An ode, an elegy to bless—

To bless, set store by, celebrate,
Approve, esteem, endow with soul,
Commend, acclaim, appreciate,
Immortalize, laud, praise, extol.

Thy merit, goodness, value, worth,
Expedience, utility—
O manna, honey, salt of earth,
I sing, I chant, I worship thee!

How could I manage, live, exist,
Obtain, produce, be real, prevail,
Be present in the flesh, subsist,
Have place, become, breathe or inhale.

Without thy help, recruit, support,
Opitulation, furtherance,
Assistance, rescue, aid, resort,
Favour, sustention and advance?

Ala Alack! and well-a-day!
My case would then be dour and sad,
Likewise distressing, dismal, gray,
Pathetic, mournful, dreary, bad.

Though I could keep this up all day,
This lyric, elegiac, song,
Meseems hath come the time to say
Farewell! Adieu! Good-by! So long!

I cannot sing the old songs
I sang long years ago,
But I can always hear them
At any vodevil show.

("If I have erred I err in company with Abraham
Lincoln."—THEODORE ROOSEVELT.)

If e'er my rhyming be at fault,
If e'er I chance to scribble dope,
If that my metre ever halt,
I err in company with Pope.

An that my grammar go awry,
An that my English be askew,
Sooth, I can prove an alibi—
The Bard of Avon did it, too.

If often toward the bottled grape
My errant fancy fondly turns,
Remember, jeering jackanape,
I err in company with Burns.

If now and then I sigh "Mine own!"
Unto another's wedded wife,
Remember I am not alone—
Hast ever read Lord Byron's Life?

If frequently I fret and fume,
And absolutely will not smile,
I err in company with Hume,
Old Socrates and T. Carlyle.

If e'er I fail in etiquette,
And foozle on The Proper Stuff
Regarding manners, don't forget
A. Tennyson's were pretty tough.

Eke if I err upon the side
Of talking overmuch of Me,
I err, it cannot be denied,
In most illustrious company.

While I hold as superficial him who has his young initial
  Neatly graven on his Turkish cigarette,
Such a bit of affectation I can view with toleration,
  Such a folly I forgive and I forget.
Him who rocks the little boat, or him who rides the cyclemotor
  I dislike a little more than just enough;
But you might as well be knowing that the guy who gets me going
  Is the man who wears his kerchief in his cuff.

Now I've builded many a verse on that extremely stylish person
  Who insists upon the hat of emerald hue;
I have made a lot of fun of things that honestly were none of
  My blanked business—and I knew that it was true.
At the shameless subway smoker I have been a ceaseless joker——
  For that nuisance daily gets me in a huff—
But the one that makes me maddest is that pestilential faddist
  Who is carrying his kerchief in his cuff.

I'm a passive, harmless hater of the vari-coloured gaiter
  That the men of the Rialto will affect;
Of the loud and sassy clother, I'm a quiet, modest loather,
  And to comic section weskits I object.
But, as I have intimated, hinted, innuendoed stated,
  Of the things that I believe are awful stuff,
Nothing starts my indignation like the silly affectation
  Of the man who wears his kerchief in his cuff——
            E-nough!
  Of the man who wears his kerchief in his cuff.

(Being a stenographic report of how it sounds from the piazza when a dozen boat loads go out on the lake of a summer evening.)

How can I bear to good old Yale the shades of Upidee
That's where my heart is weep no more in sunny Tennessee
How dear to heart grows weary far from meadow grass is blue
Above Cayuga's waters we will sing I'm strong for you.

A Spanish cava fare thee well and everything so fine
That's where you get your old black Joe my darling Clementine
The old folks would enjoy it on the road to Mandalay
'Twas from Aunt Dinah's polly-wolly-woodle all the day.

I hear those good night ladies much obliged because we're here
Afraid to go home in the with a good song ringing clear
Just tell them that fair Harvard old Nassau is shining bright
How can I bear to grand old rag we roll along good night!

(Being a "lyric" translation of Heine's "Du Bist
Wie Eine Blume," as it is usually done.)

Thou art like to a Flower,
So pure and clean thou art;
I view thee and much Sadness
Steals to me in the Heart.

To me it seems my Hands I
Should now impose on your
Head, praying God to keep you
So fine and clean and pure.

(Parody is a genre frowned upon by your professors of literature… And yet it is a gentle art— "The Point of View" in May Scribner's.)

A sweet disorder in the verse
That never looks behind
Shall profit not who steals my purse,
Let joy be unconfined!

How vainly men themselves amaze!
The stars began to blink,
An art that there were few to praise,
Nor any drop to drink.

O sleep, it is a blessed thing
Which I must ne'er enjoy!
There never was a fairer spring
Than when I was a boy.

One fond embrace and then we part!
Good—by, my lover, good-by!
And yet it is a gentle art,
Which nobody can deny.

Now and then there's a couple whose conjugal life
Is happy as happy can be;
Now and then there's a man who believes that his wife
Is the One Unsurpassable She;
There are doubtless in England a great many folks
Whose humour is airy and sage;
But there never is one in American jokes
Or on the American stage

Now and then there's an auto that doesn't break down,
Or an angler who catches some fish;
Now and then there's a pretty society gown
Or a girl that breaks never a dish;
There is haply a Croesus who isn't a hoax.
Or a jest that's not hoary with age;
But there never is one in American jokes
Or on the American stage.

Now and then there's a poet with closely cropped hair,
Or a sporting man quiet in dress;
Now and then there's a lady from Boston who's fair,
Now and then there's a fetterless press;
Now and then there's a laugh that a jester may coax,
A librettist may put on his page—
But they're terribly rare in American jokes,
And—oh, the American stage!

Bill Jones was cynical and sad;
He thought sincerity was rare;
Most people, Bill believed, were bad
And few were fair.

He said that cheating was the rule;
That nearly everything was fake;
That nearly all, both knave and fool,
Were on the make.

Jim Brown was cheerful as the sun;
He thought the world a lovely place,
Exhibiting to every one
A smiling face.

He thought that every man was fair;
He had no cause to sob or sigh;
He said that everything was square
As any die.

Dear reader, would you rather be
Like Jim, not crediting the ill,
Joyous in your serenity,
Or right, like Bill?

At not at all infrequent spells
I hear—and so do you—
The tales that everybody tells
And no one listens to.

"You talk about excitement. Well
Last summer, up at Silver Dell,
Jim Brown and I took a canoe
And paddled out a mile or two.
When we left shore the sun was out—
Serenest day, beyond a doubt,
I ever saw. When suddenly
It thunders, and a heavy sea
Comes up. 'I'm goin' to jump,' says Jim.
He jumps. I don't know how to swim,
And I was scared…"

"You ought to see
My kid. He's great! He isn't three.
But smart? Last night his mother said,
As she was putting him to bed,
'Tom, are you sleepy?' Well, the kid—
What d'ye think he up and did?
Laugh? Honestly, we nearly died!
He said:…"

"Last week I had a ride
As was a ride! We took my car
And ran her over night so far
We had to stop. Just as we came
To this side of North Burlingame,
We tore a shoe; the left front wheel
Got loose and . . . "

"Did you ever feel
That dogs were human? Well, there's Bruce,
My collie—brighter than the deuce!
Just talk in ordinary tones—
A joke, he barks, speak sad, he moans,
The other day I said to him,
'Here, Bruce, take this to Uncle Jim,'
And gave . . . "

"We've really got the best
And cheapest flat in town. On West
Two-Forty-Third Street. That ain't far—
The subway, then the Yonkers car—
An hour, perhaps a little more.
I leave the house at 7.04—
I'm in the office every day
At nine o'clock. Six rooms are all
We have, if you don't count the hall—
Though it is bigger far than most
The rooms I've seen. I hate to boast
About my flat; but . . . "

"Say, I've got
The greatest, newest, finest plot—
Dramatic, humorous, and fresh—
And, though I'm not in the profesh,
I'll back this little play of mine
Against Pinero, Fitch, or Klein.
Sure fire! A knockout! It can't miss!
The plot of it begins like this:
The present time—that's what they've got
To have—and then a modern plot.
Jack Hammond, hero, loves a girl:
Extremely jealous of an earl.
The earl, however… "

O tuneless chimes! O worn-out bells!
I hear—and so do you—
The tales that everybody tells
But no one listens to.

Motto heartening, inspiring,
  Framed above my pretty *desk,
Never Shelley, Keats, or Byring*
  Penned a phrase so picturesque!
But in me no inspiration
  Rides my low and prosy brow—
All I think of is vacation
When I see that lucubration:

DO IT NOW

When I see another sentence
  Framed upon a brother's wall,
Resolution and repentance
  Do not flood o'er me at all
As I read that nugatory
  Counsel written years ago,
Only when one comes to borry[Footnote: Entered under the Pure License of
                             1906.]
Do I heed that ancient story:

TELL HIM NO

Mottoes flat and mottoes silly,
    Proverbs void of point or wit,
"KEEP A-PLUGGIN' WHEN IT'S HILLY!"
    "LIFE'S A TIGER: CONQUER IT!"
Office mottoes make me weary
    And of all the bromide bunch
There is only one I seri-
Ously like, and that's the cheery:

GONE TO LUNCH

A man morose and dull and sad—
Go ask him why he feels so bad.
Behold! He answers it is drink
That put his nerves upon the blink.

Another man whose smile and jest
Disclose a nature of the best—
What keeps his heart and spirit up?
Again we learn it is the cup.

The moral to this little bit
Is anything you make of it.
Such recondite philosophy
Is far away too much for me.

If a single man is studious and quiet, people say
He is grouchy, he is old before his time;
If he's frivolous and flippant, if he treads the primrose way,
Then they mark him for a wild career of crime.

If a man asserts that So-and-So is beautiful or sweet,
He is daffy on the proposition, Girl;
If he's weary in the evening and he keeps his subway seat,
He's immediately branded as a churl.

If he buys a friend a rickey not for any special cause,
He is captain of the lush-and-spendthrift squad;
If, before he spends a million, he will think a bit and pause,
There's a popular impression he's a wad.

If a man attends to business and looks to every chance,
He is mercenary, money-mad, and coarse;
If he thinks of art and letters more than personal finance,
He is lacking in ambition and in force.

If a man but bats his consort oh-so-gently on the head,
If he throttles her a little round the neck,
He's a brute; if he's considerately conjugal instead,
Everybody calls him Mr. Henry Peck.

Lowers Scylla—frowns Charybdis—and the bark is like to sink—
This the symbolistic moral of my rhyme—
If Opinion trims your sails and if you care what people think
You will have a most unhappy sort of time.

Gaze at the good-natured crowd,
List to the noise and the rattle!
Heavens! that woman is loud—
Loud as the din of a battle.

List to the noise and the rattle!
Hark to the honk of the horn
Loud as the din of a battle!
There! My new overcoat's torn!

Hark to the honk of the horn!
Cut out that throwing confetti!
There! My new overcoat's torn—
Looks like a shred of spaghetti.

Cut out that throwing confetti!
Look at the gentleman, stewed;
Looks like a shred of spaghetti—
Don't get so terribly rude!

Look at the gentleman, stewed!
Look at the glare of the rocket!
Don't get so terribly rude,
Keep your hand out of my pocket!

Look at the glare of the rocket!
Take that thing out of my face!
Keep your hand out of my pocket!
This is a shame and disgrace.

Take that thing out of my face!
Curse you! Be decent to ladies!
This is a shame and disgrace,
Worse than traditions of Hades.

Curse you! Be decent to ladies!
(Heavens! that woman is loud.)
Worse than traditions of Hades
Gaze at the "good-natured" crowd!

Beside a frugal table, though spotless clean and white,
A loving couple they did sit and all seemed pleasant, quite;
They did not have no servant the things away to take,
For he was but a broker who much money did not make.

He lit a fifty-cent cigar and then his wife did say:
"Your life insurance it will lapse if it you do not pay."
He turned from her in sorrow, for breaking was his heart,
And in a mezzo barytone to her did say, in part:

CHORUS:

"I cannot pay that premium, I'll have to let it go;
It fills me with remorse and sorrow, not to mention woe.
Though I'm quite strong and healthy, and will outlive you, perhaps,
I cannot pay that premium; I'll have to let it lapse."

The wife she naught did answer, for it cut her to the quick;
She washed the dishes, filled the lamp, and likewise trimmed the wick;
She took in washing the next day and played bridge whist all night,
Until she had enough to pay her husband's premium, quite.

The husband he was thrown next day from his au-to-mo-bile,
And although rather lonesome it did make his widow feel,
It made her glad to know that she had paid that prem-i-um,
And oftentimes in after years these words she'd softly hum:

CHORUS:

Selected, dear old chap, who knows
The quantity of verse and prose
That you have signed in all these years!
You've dulled how many thousand shears!
You've filled, at a tremendous rate,
A million miles of "boiler plate"—
A wreath of laurel for your brow!
A stirrup-cup to you—here's how!

And you, dear Ibid. Ah, you wrote
Too many things for me to quote,
Though Bartlett, of quotation fame,
Plays up your unpoetic name
More than he did to Avon's bard.
Your stuff's on every page, old pard.
Bouquets to you the writer flings;
You wrote a lot of dandy things.

And you, O last, O greatest one,
A word with you, and I have done
Your, dear Exchange, that ever floats
Around with verses, anecdotes,
And jokes. Oh, what a lot you sign
(Quite frequently a thing of mine).
Why, it would not be very strange
If I should see this signed—Exchange.

Quotation! Brother to the Arts, assister
    to the Muse!
When Bartlett from his study height unfurled
    thine heaven-born hues,
The quotes were here, the quotes were there,
    the quotes were all around,
For Bartlett like a poultice came to blow the
    heels of sound.

Pernicious habit! One becomes a worse than
    senseless block,
A bard that no one dares to praise and fewer
    care to knock;
A sentence by a mossy stone, of quaint and
    curious lore,
An apt quotation is to one and it is nothing
    more.

Quotation! Ah, thou droppest as the gentle
rain from heaven,
Thy brow is wet with honest sweat and the
stars on thy head are seven.

Who steals my verse steals trash, for, soothly,
he who runs may read,
But he who filches from me Bartlett leaves
me poor indeed.

I fill this cup to Bartlett up, and may he rest
     in peace—
From Afric's sunny fountains to the happy
     Isles of Greece.
Quotation! O my Rod and Staff, my Joy
     sans let or end
With me abide, O handy guide, philosopher,
     and friend.

If you want a receipt for a melodramatical,
  Thrillingly thundery, popular show,
Take an old father, unyielding, emphatical,
  Driving his daughter out into the snow;
The love of a hero, courageous and Hacketty;
  Hate of a villain in evening clothes;
Comic relief that is Irish and racketty;
  Schemes of a villainess muttering oaths;
The bank and the safe and the will and the forgery—
  All of them built on traditional norms—
Villainess dark and Lucrezia Borgery
  Helping the villain until she reforms;
The old mill at midnight, a rapid delivery;
Violin music, all scary and shivery;
Plot that is devilish, awful, nefarious;
Heroine frightened, her plight is precarious;
Bingo!—the rescue!—the movement goes snappily—
Exit the villain and all endeth happily!

Take of these elements any you care about,
Put 'em in Texas, the Bowery, or thereabout;
Put in the powder and leave out the grammar,
And the certain result is a swell melodrammer.

My right-hand neighbour hath a child,
A pretty child of five or six,
Not more than other children wild,
Nor fuller than the rest of tricks—
At five he rises, shine or rain,
And noisily plays "fire" or "train."

Likewise a girl, aetatis eight,
He hath. Each morning, as a rule,
Proudly my neighbour will relate
How bright Mathilda is at school.
My ardour, less than half of mild,
Bids me to comment, "Wondrous child!"

All through the vernal afternoon
My other neighbour's children skate
A wild Bacchantic rigadoon
On rollers; nor does it abate
Till dark; and then his babies cry
What time I fain would versify.

Did I but set myself to sing
A children's song, I'd stand revealed
A bard that did the infant thing
As well as Riley or 'Gene Field.
I could write famous Children Stuff,
If they'd keep quiet long enough.

She "greeted" and he "volunteered";
She "giggled"; he "asserted";
She "queried" and he "lightly veered";
She "drawled" and he "averted";
She "scoffed," she "laughed" and he "averred";
He "mumbled," "parried," and "demurred."

She "languidly responded"; he
"Incautiously assented";
Doretta "proffered lazily";
Will "speedily invented";
She "parried," "whispered," "bade," and "mused";
He "urged," "acknowledged," and "refused."

She "softly added"; "she alleged";
He "consciously invited";
She "then corrected"; William "hedged";
She "prettily recited";
She "nodded," "stormed," and "acquiesced";
He "promised," "hastened," and "confessed."

Doretta "chided"; "cautioned" Will;
She "voiced" and he "defended";
She "vouchsafed"; he "continued still";
She "sneered" and he "amended";
She "smiled," she "twitted," and she "dared"
He "scorned," "exclaimed," "pronounced," and "flared."

He "waived," "believed," "explained," and "tried";
"Commented" she; he "muttered";
She "blushed," she "dimpled," and she "sighed";
He "ventured" and he "stuttered";
She "spoke," "suggested," and "pursued";
He "pleaded," "pouted," "called," and "viewed."

O synonymble writers, ye
Whose work is so high-pricey.
Think ye not that variety
May haply be too spicy?
Meseems that in an elder day
They had a thing or two to say.

A primrose by a river's brim Primula vulgaris was to him, And it was nothing more; A pansy, delicately reared, Viola tricolor appeared In true botanic lore.

That which a pink the layman deems Dianthus caryophyllus seems To any flower-fan; or A sunflower, in that talk of his, Annuus helianthus is, And it is nothing more.

"Scorn not the sonnet." Well, I reckon not,
  I would not scorn a rondeau, villanelle,
  Ballade, sestina, triolet, rondel,
Or e'en a quatrain, humble and forgot,
An so it made my Pegasus to trot
  His morning lap what time he heard the bell;
  An so it made the poem stuff to jell—
To mix a met.—an so it boil'd the pot.

Oh, sweet set form that varies not a bit!
  I taste thy joy, not quite unknown to Keats.
    "Scorn?" Nay, I love thy fine symmetric
      grace.
In sonnets one knows always where to quit,
  Unlike in other poems where one cheats
    And strings it out to fill the yawning
      space.

Poet, ere you write me,
Stem the flowing ink;
Or that you indite me
Pause upon the brink.

Strummer of the lyre
Maker of the tune,
Give me a desire—
Bless me with a boon.

Ballad, epic, quatrain,
Couplet—ay, a line—
"Let it rain or not rain,
Let it storm or shine."

Shape me as you list to,
Glorious or small;
Put a comic twist to
Anything at all.

Only give me fame that
Never, never dies,
Christen me a name that
Reaches to the skies.

This is my ambition:
Not the greatest rhyme,
Not the first position
On the page of time—

But, O poet, steep me,
Till, with gum and hooks,
Womenfolk will keep me
In their pocket-books!

(There is said to be a steady demand for "bedbooks" in England. There are readers who find in Gibbon a sedative for tired nerves; there are others who enjoy Trollope's quiet humour. Some people find in Henry James's tangled syntax the restful diversion they seek, and others enjoy Mr. Howells's unexciting realism. —The Sun.)

How sleep the brave who sink to rest,
Lulled by the waves of dreamy diction,
Like that appearing in the best
Of modern fiction!

When sleeplessness the Briton claims,
And hits him with her wakeful wallop,
He goes to Gibbon or to James,
Or maybe Trollope.

No paltry limit, such as those
The craving-slumber Yankee curses—
He has a wealth of poppy prose
And opiate verses.

A grain of—ought I mention names
And say whence sleep may be inspired?
Is it the thing to say of James,
"He makes me tired?"

To say "a dose of Phillips, or
A capsule of Sinclair or Brady,
Is just the thing to make me snore?"
Oh, lackadaydee!

Nay! It were churlish to review
And specify by marked attention
Our bedbooks. They are far too nu-
Merous to mention.

In winter I get up at night,
And dress by an electric light.
In summer, autumn, ay, and spring,
I have to do the self-same thing.

I have to go to bed and hear
Pianos pounding in my ear,
And hear the janitor cavort
With garbage cans within the court.

And does it not seem hard to you
That I should have these things to do?
Is it not hard for us Manhat-
Tan children in a stuffy flat?

It is very nice to think
The world is full of food and drink;
But, oh, my father says to me
They cost all of his salaree.

III

When I am grown to man's estate
I shall be very proud and great;
E'en now I have no reverence,
'Cause I read comic supplements.

New York is so full of a number of kids
I'm sure pretty soon we shall be invalids.

A child should always say what's true,
And speak when he is spoken to;
And then, when manhood's age he strikes,
He may be boorish as he likes.

Downward, come downward, O Cost in your flight,
Soaring like Paulhan or W. Wright!
Prices, come down from the limitless sky,
Down to the reach of the Ultimate Guy.
Once you were not quite so far from the ground;
Once we had lamb chops at 10c. a pound.
Give us the days ere the cost took a leap,
When things were cheap, mother, when they were cheap.

Backward, flow backward, O Living's Advance,
Back from the purlieus of Airy Romance!
Back to the days when a porterhouse steak
Didn't cost half of what people could make!
Back to the days when a regular egg
Didn't drive people to borrow and beg!
Oh, for the days when the hog and the sheep
Were not as diamonds—when they were cheap.

When a button rolls under the bureau
  The search is a woeful affair;
And the humorous weekly describes it but meekly
  In saying the hunter will swear.
But what is that limited anger?
  The impotent rage of a cub!
I only grow what you could really call hot
  When the soap slips under the tub.

I've sought through a time-table's mazes,
  And sworn at the men who devise
That scare and delusion of hopeless confusion,
  That intricate bundle of lies.
But never a hunt that was harder,
  Be you or professor or dub,
Than that ill-fated jest—I refer to the quest—
  When the soap falls back of the tub

My paste pot escapes almost daily;
My scissors I never can find;
And I am the rotter who loses a blotter
More often than if he were blind.

But sooner a myriad searches
  Than go to the worry and troub.
That one little cake saponaceous can make
  When the soap slips under the tub—
Blank! Blank!
  When the soap slips under the tub.

We don't get any too much light;
  It's pretty noisy, too, at that;
The folks next door stay up all night;
  There's but one closet in the flat;
The rent we pay is far from low;
  Our flat is small and in the rear;
But we have looked around, and so
  We think we'll stay another year.

Our dining-room is pretty dark;
  Our kitchen's hot and very small;
The "view" we get of Central Park
  We really do not get at all.
The ceiling cracks and crumbles down
  Upon me while I'm working here—
But, after combing all the town,
  We think we'll stay another year.

We are not "handy" to the sub;
  Our hall-boy service is a joke;
Our janitor's a foreign dub
  Who never does a thing but smoke
Our landlord says he will not cut
  A cent from rent already dear;
And so we sought for better—but
  We think we'll stay another year.

When Milton sang "O nightingale
That on yon gloomy spray,"
The sonneteer whom we revere
Lauded that birdie's lay.

While Keats's ode upon that bird
Was limpid as the notes
That, sweet and strong, were in the song
Of Philomelian throats.

And Bryant's "To a Water-fowl!"
Had praise in every line,
And every word about the bird
Impinged on the divine.

When Wordsworth did the skylark stuff,
He praised the bird a few,
And Shelley's ode sincerely showed
He liked the skylark, too.

O Poets, if ye had but dwelt
Upon a Harlem block,
Fain would I read your poems sweet
Upon the sparrows' "Peet! Peet! Peet!"

The sparrows that have built their nest
Ten feet from where one takes one's rest,
And 'gin their merry, blithesome song
Each morning—quenchless, clear and strong
Promptly at four o'clock.

Mine be a flat beside the Hill;
A vendor's cry shall soothe my ear
A landlord shall present his bill
At least a dozen times a year.

The tenor, oft, below my flat,
Shall practise "Violets" and such;
And in the area a cat
Shall beat the band, the cars, and Dutch.

Around the neighbourhood shall be
About a hundred thousand kids;
And, eke in that vicinitee,
Ten pianolas without lids.

And mornings, I suppose, by gosh,
I'll be awakened prompt at seven,
By ladies hanging up the wash
Only a mile or so from heaven.

AD MELPOMENEN

Look you, the monument I have erected
High as the pyramids, royal, sublime,
During as brass—it shall not be affected
E'en by the elements coupled with Time.

Part of me, most of me never shall perish; I shall be free from Oblivion's curse; Mine is a name that the future will cherish— I shall be known by my excellent verse.

I shall be famous all over this nation
Centuries after myself shall have died;
People will point to my versification—
I, who was born on the Lower East Side!

Come, then, Melpomene, why not admit me?
I want a wreath that is Delphic and green,
Seven, I think, is the size that will fit me—
Slip me some laurel to wear on my bean.

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOBOGGANING ON PARNASSUS ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”
• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.
• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.
• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.