Alias Santa Claus

This play is fully protected in all countries by the copyright law, all requirements of which have been complied with. No performance, professional or amateur, no public reading, nor any radio broadcast, may be given without permission of the publisher, D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 35 W. 32nd St., New York, or D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 34 Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England.

It is Christmas day in the Millman home, and the large room upon which our curtain rises is appropriately adorned for the occasion. The lighting fixtures are gayly festooned. A holly wreath hangs at the big window at the back; more wreaths hang from the doors at either side. There is a wealth of hothouse flowers.

Near the center is a very large and magnificently trimmed Christmas tree; a tree so splendid that you gasp when you see it. It is surrounded by a small ocean of gifts; enough to stock a fair-sized store. A gorgeous bicycle has a place of honor; it is hemmed in by a whole library of books, a pair of boxing gloves, two sleds, a regiment of the very latest mechanical wonders, enough musical instruments to equip a miniature band, and any number of games. There is everything you can think of—and more.

The toys are most expensive, and you wonder how many children are to be made happy by them—and then we tell you that they are all for the exclusive use of David Millman, Jr., who is seven years old, and who would greatly prefer permission[Pg 2] to put on rompers, and play on some not too clean floor. But being an only child of a widowed father, and being heir to a string of banks, and at least one railroad, and half a dozen mansions in town and country, he is not permitted to do such things.

As our play begins the room is empty—but not for long. A face peers in through the window at the back, the sash is raised slowly and noiselessly, and a fourteen-year-old boy hoists himself across the sill. He is roughly dressed. His eyes are covered by a black mask with slits in it. Under his arm, with exaggerated care, he carries a gayly decorated box of candy.

He looks about stealthily, tiptoeing about the room. Then he turns to the window to hiss to an accomplice:

’Tain’t fair! ’Tain’t! Here we got eight young ’uns at home, an’ I promised ’em a tree fer Christmas, an’ dey ain’t got nuttin’: not even a geranium! Gee, wouldn’t dey love dis!

He’s a kid just de same, ain’t he? He’ll eat one—maybe two. W’at’s de diff? One’ll do de trick fine an’ dandy. It won’t hoit him none—

Knock-out drops, dat’s all dere’s in ’em. He’ll go off to sleep just as nice an’ easy—

W’at good’s dat gonna do us? De rest of ’em ain’t gonna go to sleep, an’ dere’s a noice, an’ dere’s a guard dat watches him every minute, an’ dere’s—

Dey’ll all holler fer help—see? Dey’ll run fer a doctor. Dey’ll leave him right here, alone, an’ dead to de woild, an’ den we lift him outa de winder, wit’out nobody to stop us.

Stick to me, Bill, an’ in a week we’ll be rollin’ in money! A million! A million!

I’m glad of that! With a young millionaire to look out for, it’s nerve-racking, I tell you! You never know what to expect—you never know what might happen.

Exactly ten, your father said; ten exactly. He’s very busy dictating letters in his study—he’s brought a lot of work home from the office—but he’s going to give you a few minutes.

And here are more presents from your little friends—and your uncle Joe—and your uncle Eldridge—and your uncle Twombly—

Here’s an electric train from Santa. Switches, and stations, and coal-cars—I declare, it’s a wonderful train. Isn’t it, Halligan?

I must go now. You don’t mind, do you, Davy? Important cablegrams—letters—

By the way, there’s a present from me downstairs—a new limousine. Later on you’ll go riding in it.

When my father walks along the street everybody stops to look at him! I can see the people nudging[Pg 14] each other, and saying, “There goes Mr. Millman.” And the newspapers send men here to take his picture—but father’s too busy to let them do that. And when I go out I hear everybody say, “There goes Millman’s boy.” And all the policemen touch their caps and talk to me.

It’s just as nice as the one we had last year—and that was the nicest I ever saw.

Santa Claus makes good candy, doesn’t he? Some day, when I’m older, he’ll make some that I can eat. I’d like that!

Now, it isn’t up to me to say what I’m thinkin’, and nobody knows that better than myself, but it’s cruel not to let him have a taste.

I can’t imagine what’s wrong. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Why doesn’t Halligan bring the water? Why doesn’t he bring it? I’m so dizzy—so dizzy.

She’s just daydreamin’—takin’ a little cat nap. It[Pg 24] won’t hoit her a bit—honest! She’ll feel fine when she wakes up.

He’s daydreamin’, too. De two of ’em are daydreamin’ togedder—nice an’ sociable-like—see? Dey’re dreamin’ about de little boidies singin’ in de tree tops. Ain’t dat pretty?

Well, it wasn’t so bad after we got to a Hunner an’ Twenty-fift’ Street—

W’ere do dey hang out? W’ere do dey park? W’ere’s deir stampin’-ground?

“Drawing Santa Claus from his home in the North, reindeer, swifter than the wind, swift as light—”

“Swifter even than dreams, sturdy and strong, champing at their bits, sparks coming from their nostrils—”

Dey’re waitin’ fer us outside: balloon tires, an’ four-w’eel brakes, an’ sparks just w’ere yuh said. Come on.

They’re in a big hurry, aren’t they? They know we’re coming, Santa Claus. They can’t wait for us! I hear them shaking their sleigh bells!

Me eight brudders an’ sisters—count ’em. Bessie—an’ Pete—dey’re twins. An’ Maggie—dat’s her holdin’ de baby—an’ T’eodore—an’ Annie—an’ Grover—an’ Woodrow—an’ Calvin—dat’s de baby.

De Nort’ Pole? De Nort’ Pole’s warm next to w’ere dey come from. My paw ain’t woikin’, an’ de landlord toined off de heat w’en I didn’t pay de rent.

Say, what I wanna know is dis: is dis a kidnapin’ party, or is dis a kid party?

Yuh take dis—and yuh take dis—an’ w’en I say “Ready,” yuh all blow to onct.

De landlord, he come along w’ile we was leavin’, an’ he says we needn’t come back—none of us—never.

He says he’ll put de furniture on de sidewalk, an’ yuh can git it w’enever yuh like.

Paw says ef yuh can’t support him in better style den dat, he’s gonna quit yuh cold.

W’at do yuh t’ink of dat, Slim? Ain’t it de limit? Ain’t dat de absoloot limit?

Dere’s nuttin’ de matter—on’y de kids ain’t gonna have a roof over deir heads to-night!

But why do you want a roof over their heads? Can’t we take them along with us?

They can come to the North Pole too, can’t they? Of course it will be a little crowded in the sleigh, but[Pg 39] there’ll be room for all of us if we sit close. And we’ll have lots of fun!

But it’s gonna get us away from here, Bill! We get outa de city—we go somew’eres in de Bronx—an’ den we give Millman a ring on de telephone—

You don’t know my daddy! My daddy is the busiest[Pg 40] man in the world! When he comes to see me, he says, “Exactly ten”—and that means exactly ten. When I want to see him I have to ask his secretary—and sometimes he can’t see me at all.

Don’t make fun of him! I won’t let anybody do that! I don’t think anybody works as hard as he works! Why, he starts in the morning before I get up, and sometimes when I wake in the middle of the night, I tiptoe to the door of my room, and I can see the light burning in his study downstairs! Daddy works hard—and he looks so tired! He’s so tired sometimes that he won’t let me sit in his lap.

Naw, Bill!... We wanna play wit’ de presents!... We don’t wanna leave de presents!... We want de presents!

Here: you take this, and here’s something for you; and you take one of the railroad trains—don’t forget the tracks—and you take the other one.

Kid, it’s gonna cost me a lotta coin—an’ gee, w’at wouldn’t I do wit’ just a coupla dollars?—but youse a little gen’leman—see?—an’ ef anybody lays a finger on yuh, I’ll moider him!

I changed my mind—see? A guy dat’s a he-man can[Pg 46] do dat little t’ing—an’ John W. Santa’s a he-man!

I’m gonna leave him here—an’ me an’ de kids is gonna beat it—an’ youse is comin’ along, too; don’t yuh forget dat!

Santa Claus wouldn’t hurt anybody. He was going to give me a kidnaping party, that was all.

Sometimes, when a man’s lonely—when he misses somebody who’s gone terribly, terribly much—he tries to make himself busy. Do you understand that, Davy?

But now that my little boy is growing older, I don’t expect to be nearly so busy any more.

And now, if you still want to go to the North Pole with Santa Claus—you may go.

You won’t mind if I stay here, will you? I don’t care so much about that old North Pole.

He was nice to de kids—see? He give ’em all his presents. He didn’t hold out none fer himself. He’s de foist guy dat ever treated ’em like dey was yooman. I’d lay down me life fer him after he done dat!

Yuh see, paw don’t woik reg’lar; an’ maw’s sick, an’ ever sence I been old enough to go out on de street an’ sell papers, I’ve been keepin’ de kids alive—an’—an’ dere’s eight of ’em now.

This gentleman will leave my house as a gentleman ought to leave it. You will show him to the door. You will send for my car. You will tell my chauffeur to drive him home. And you will see to it that the police do not molest him.

I listened at the door for ten minutes before I came in. I heard every word that was spoken.

De same to youse, Mr. Millman, an’ de same, an’ lots of ’em, to de little gen’leman.

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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Alias Santa Claus

Alias Santa Claus

CHARACTERS

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

David Millman, Jr.
Halligan
Vicky
David Millman, Sr.
Bill		Juvenile Delinquents
Slim		Juvenile Delinquents

Bessie		Uninvited Guests
Pete
Maggie
T’eodore
Annie
Grover
Woodrow
Calvin