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Title: The Grand Cham's Diamond
A Play in One Act
Author: Allan Monkhouse
Release Date: February 14, 2021 [eBook #64562]
Language: English
Character set encoding: UTF-8
Produced by: Paul Haxo with special thanks to Google and the Bodleian
Libraries.
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GRAND CHAM'S DIAMOND ***
REPERTORY PLAYS, No. 44
THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND
Entered at the Library of Congress, Washington, U.S.A.
The performing rights of this play are fully protected.
All applications for permission to perform “The Grand Cham’s Diamond” in
the British Empire (except Canada) must be addressed to Mr Allan
Monkhouse, Meadow Bank, Disley, Cheshire. For permission to perform in
America and Canada, to The Baker International Play Bureau, 41 Winter
Street, Boston, Mass.
The fee for each and every representation of the play by amateurs in the
British Empire (except Canada) is one guinea; in America and Canada,
five dollars. These sums are payable in advance, and no performance may
take place unless a written permission has first been obtained.
The terms for performance by professionals can be ascertained on
application.
THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND
A PLAY IN ONE ACT
BY
ALLAN MONKHOUSE
GOWANS & GRAY, LTD., LONDON AND GLASGOW
THE BAKER INTERNATIONAL PLAY BUREAU
BOSTON, U.S.A. 1924
Printed in Great Britain
by Turnbull & Spears, Edinburgh
CHARACTERS
MRS PERKINS
MR PERKINS
MISS PERKINS
A MAN IN BLACK
ALBERT WATKINS
_This play was first produced at the Birmingham Repertory Theatre on
September 21, 1918, by Mr John Drinkwater, with the following cast:_
Mrs Perkins . CATHLEEN ORFORD
Mr Perkins . REGINALD GATTY
Miss Perkins . SIDNEY LEON
A Man in Black . NOEL SHAMMON
Albert Watkins . J. ADRIAN BYRNE
THE GRAND CHAM’S DIAMOND
SCENE: _A sitting-room in a small house in a London suburb. The window
is in the wall to the left of the spectator and the door in the right
half of the back wall. The furniture is ordinary. On the chimneypiece,
to the right of the spectator, is a clock. The room is lit by electric
light. It is some time after the evening meal. Mr Perkins is reading a
newspaper. Mrs Perkins is darning a sock, and Miss Perkins is engaged
upon a jigsaw puzzle._
MRS PERKINS
What I mean t’ say is that it’s not much fun for us.
MR PERKINS
All right, Ma.
MISS PERKINS
(_Engaged on her puzzle._) Bother!
MRS PERKINS
It makes a long evenin’ of it. Same every night. We ’ave our tea and
then we just set down till it’s time to go to bed. It’s not fair.
MR PERKINS
Same for all of us.
MRS PERKINS
That it’s not.
MR PERKINS
Why isn’t it?
MRS PERKINS
Do y’ or do y’ not go out o’ this ’ouse every mornin’ and spend the day
out?
MR PERKINS
It’d be a poor job for you if I didn’t.
MRS PERKINS
I don’t say anythin’ about that. I don’t interfere.
MR PERKINS
’Ow could y’ interfere?
MISS PERKINS
Bother!
MRS PERKINS
Don’t interrup’ like that when me and your pa’s talkin’, Polly.
MISS PERKINS
My name isn’t Polly.
MR PERKINS
What is it?
MISS PERKINS
It’s Marie.
MR PERKINS
Well, I’m blowed!
MRS PERKINS
An’ why shouldn’t she ’ave a bit of a change? She’s tired of bein’
Polly.
MISS PERKINS
I do think we might have a little more change.
MR PERKINS
Don’t you start.
MISS PERKINS
We might have gone out to the pictures to-night, as Mother said.
MR PERKINS
Your young man might ’ave come and found you out.
MISS PERKINS
You know he’s engaged in the evenings.
MR PERKINS
Yes, and what at?
MISS PERKINS
Never mind!
MRS PERKINS
I do think, Polly, that he ought to be a bit more open with you. What
_does_ he do?
MR PERKINS
Ay; what does Albert Watkins do?
MISS PERKINS
Never you mind!
MRS PERKINS
’E’s never told ’er.
MR PERKINS
I ’ope it’s nothin’ to be ashamed of.
MISS PERKINS
P’raps I know more than you think.
MRS PERKINS
’As ’e said?
MISS PERKINS
It’s confidential.
MR PERKINS
Oh! I know that tale.
MRS PERKINS
Well, Polly’s got ’er young man and you’ve got your business an’ out all
day seein’ people. What ’ave I got?
MR PERKINS
Well, what should y’ ’ave? What does any woman ’ave? I dunno what you’re
botherin’ about. Y’ ’ad a week at Margate this year.
MRS PERKINS
(_Derisively_.) ’Ome from ’ome!
MR PERKINS
A good woman ought to like ’er ’ome.
MRS PERKINS
I never said I didn’t like it.
MR PERKINS
Well----
MRS PERKINS
’Ome’s a place to come back to.
MISS PERKINS
Mother’s romantic. That’s what she is.
MRS PERKINS
What _is_ that, Polly? It’s a word I never rightly----
MR PERKINS
Romantic! At ’er age!
MRS PERKINS
You know what it is, do y’?
MR PERKINS
It’s penny dreadfuls and the pictures and gassin’ about love and the
deep blue sea.
MRS PERKINS
Well, y’ might do worse.
MR PERKINS
Whatever’s come over ’er?
MRS PERKINS
I’ve always thought I should like to travel.
MISS PERKINS
(_At her puzzle._) I think there’s a bit missing.
MRS PERKINS
Eh? A bit missin’? That’s the way with me; there’s always bin a bit
missin’.
MR PERKINS
I dunno why y’re startin’ like this now. Y’ve ’ad all these years to
settle down in. What’s come over yer?
MRS PERKINS
Eh! Don’t ask me. I think ’er Albert’s comin’ about ’as unsettled me.
MISS PERKINS
Albert!
MRS PERKINS
Well, I see ’im an’ you and I think what might ’a’ been.
MR PERKINS
What’s that?
MRS PERKINS
Well, I was young onct.
MR PERKINS
But y’re not now.
MRS PERKINS
You’ve no call to throw it in m’ teeth.
MR PERKINS
Teeth indeed!
MRS PERKINS
Don’t be insultin’, Mr Perkins.
MR PERKINS
I wasn’t bein’.
MRS PERKINS
Yes, y’ was.
MISS PERKINS
I don’t see why Albert should unsettle you.
MRS PERKINS
If I was you I’d want to know ’ow ’e spends ’is evenings.
MISS PERKINS
It’s no business of yours, Ma.
MR PERKINS
It’ll be some bus’ness of mine. I think it’s about time Albert spoke to
me.
MISS PERKINS
Spoke to you?
MR PERKINS
Placed ’is position an’ prospects before me.
MISS PERKINS
Well, I believe he’s a confidential agent.
MRS PERKINS
A what!
MR PERKINS
What sort of a’ agent?
MISS PERKINS
It’s confidential--or financial p’raps.
MR PERKINS
He’s kiddin’ yer.
MRS PERKINS
Do they work at night?
MISS PERKINS
I’ve always understood that Rothschilds and people like that did this
business at parties--on the quiet.
MR PERKINS
Bosh!
MISS PERKINS
Oh, very well, Pa.
[_Miss Perkins settles to her puzzle. Mrs Perkins darns stolidly. Mr
Perkins returns to the paper. A short pause._
MRS PERKINS
Well, it’s too late for the movies now.
MISS PERKINS
Ah! That’s it.
[_She finds the missing bit._
MRS PERKINS
What’s in the paper, Pa?
MR PERKINS
There’s a Cabinet crisis.
MRS PERKINS
Isn’t there anythin’ interestin’?
MR PERKINS
’Ere’s a child stole a shillin’ an’ swallowed it t’ escape detection.
MRS PERKINS
Poor thing!
MR PERKINS
’Ere! Is this more in your line? Great Jewel Robbery! The Grand Cham’s
Diamond missing.
MRS PERKINS
Eh! What’s that?
MISS PERKINS
Who is the Grand Cham?
MR PERKINS
’E’s--one o’ them Eastern potentates. ’E’s been stayin’ at the Majestic
Hotel. The dimond was taken out of the settin’ and a walnut substituted.
MRS PERKINS
A walnut! It must be a whopper.
MISS PERKINS
Why did they substitute a walnut?
MR PERKINS
You must substitute somethin’.
MISS PERKINS
Why?
MR PERKINS
I don’t know. They always do. The brightest treasure of the East. Not
the slightest trace. Supposed Asiatic gang. Sherlock Holmes and Father
Brown have been summoned and a telegram despatched to Mossier Lecock.
MRS PERKINS
(_With satisfaction._) Well, that’s somethin’ like.
MISS PERKINS
What’s it worth?
MR PERKINS
Eh! I dunno. Thousands, thousands. They say it makes the Koh-i-noor take
a back seat.
MRS PERKINS
Reelly?
MR PERKINS
What ’ud you do, old lady, if I brought it ’ome for y’r birthday?
MRS PERKINS
Well, I’d wear it, I s’pose.
MISS PERKINS
You’d never dare, Ma.
MRS PERKINS
I would that.
MISS PERKINS
But thieves’d always be after it.
MRS PERKINS
What ’d these thieves do with it when they’ve got it?
MR PERKINS
I s’pose they chop it up and sell it in bits.
MRS PERKINS
What a shame!
MR PERKINS
I dessay they’re off to South America.
MRS PERKINS
Why?
MR PERKINS
No extrydition.
MRS PERKINS
What’s that? D’ y’ mean last ’dition extra?
MISS PERKINS
No, Ma. It means that thieves can’t be turned out.
MRS PERKINS
Why not?
MR PERKINS
It’s like it used to be with slaves here. Once the South American flag’s
waved over ’em, they’re all right.
MISS PERKINS
It isn’t all one country there, Pa.
MR PERKINS
Well, I reckon they’re much of a muchness.
MRS PERKINS
An’ could you sell it there?
MR PERKINS
Yes, they’re great people for jewl’ry.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, you’re doin’ nothin’. Y’ might as well be mendin’ that blind.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, bother!
MRS PERKINS
It looks bad hangin’ down like that.
MISS PERKINS
(_Going towards the window._) People’ll see in.
MRS PERKINS
There’s not many passin’ at this time o’ night.
MISS PERKINS
It makes it so public. (_She takes the blind from the lower part of
the window and begins to mend it._) Where’s the white thread, Ma?
MRS PERKINS
Here y’ are. Now, make a job of it.
[_Mr Perkins has returned to his paper, his daughter is more or less
intent on her work, Mrs Perkins darns and yawns. Mr Perkins snores
gently._
MRS PERKINS
Might as well all be asleep.
MISS PERKINS
Listen, Ma!
MRS PERKINS
Somebody runnin’. Seem in an ’urry.
[_Something crashes through the window and falls with broken glass
upon the floor._
MISS PERKINS
Good gracious!
MRS PERKINS
Mercy on us!
MR PERKINS
(_Waking up_.) Fire! Where is it?
MRS PERKINS
Nonsense, Pa! It’s them boys. Out arter ’em.
MR PERKINS
What! Where?
MISS PERKINS
No. Don’t go. Don’t leave us. It can’t be boys.
MR PERKINS
(_Seeing the broken window._) This is very careless, Polly.
MISS PERKINS
It wasn’t me. It’s a stone, I think.
MRS PERKINS
They’re far enough now. Where is it?
MISS PERKINS
I’m all of a tremble.
MRS PERKINS
You ought to ’ave run right out, Pa, and you might ’ave caught ’em. I
never did see such a thing.
MR PERKINS
It’s an outrage, this is. Did y’ see anybody?
MRS PERKINS
We ’eard somebody runnin’.
MISS PERKINS
I thought I ’eard somebody passing after that. Quietly like. Runnin’
very light.
MR PERKINS
Nonsense, Polly. Better put that blind up now.
MISS PERKINS
You put it up.
MR PERKINS
Do as I tell you.
MISS PERKINS
I don’t like.
MRS PERKINS
’Ere, ’ere. Give it me.
[_She puts it up and peers out into the street._
MISS PERKINS
Come away, Ma.
MR PERKINS
Where’s the stone?
[_They all look about the floor._
MISS PERKINS
Here it is. Here’s something. (_She picks it up._) Why! it’s a lump
of glass.
MR PERKINS
Let’s look!
MRS PERKINS
Let me see.
[_They crowd round._
MR PERKINS
I say!
MISS PERKINS
What is it? What is it?
MRS PERKINS
Give it me, Polly.
[_She grabs it._
MR PERKINS
Hold it up to the light.
MISS PERKINS
Why! What can it be?
MRS PERKINS
(_Relinquishing it to her husband._) Nonsense! Nonsense!
[_She goes back to her chair and begins to fumble with her darning.
She is greatly agitated._
MR PERKINS
It’s a rum thing, this is.
MISS PERKINS
Eh! Isn’t it beautiful?
MR PERKINS
It might be a----
MISS PERKINS
Diamond?
MR PERKINS
Nonsense!
MRS PERKINS
(_Rushing forward._) Hide it!
[_She seizes the diamond and looks about the room._
MISS PERKINS
Why! What d’ y’ mean, Ma!
MRS PERKINS
It’s it.
MR PERKINS
(_Feebly._) What’s it?
MRS PERKINS
You know.
MR PERKINS
What--what--what rubbish! The idea!
MRS PERKINS
(_Looking at it in her palm._) It’s the Grand Cham’s dimond.
MR PERKINS
Then it’s dangerous.
MRS PERKINS
Never mind that.
MISS PERKINS
What shall we do?
[_She begins to whimper._
MRS PERKINS
Stop that, Polly.
MR PERKINS
P’raps we’d better look out for a policeman.
MRS PERKINS
No.
MR PERKINS
If it is it we’re not safe.
MRS PERKINS
I don’t care.
MR PERKINS
But what d’ y’ want to do?
MRS PERKINS
Here! Let’s put it inside the clock. (_She opens the back of the clock
and crams it in._) Now!
MR PERKINS
What are y’ up to, Ma?
MISS PERKINS
I wish you’d throw it out in the street again.
MRS PERKINS
No, no.
MR PERKINS
But what _are_ y’ up to?
MRS PERKINS
It’s come to us, this ’as. We’ll stick to it if we can.
MR PERKINS
But----
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma!
MRS PERKINS
They may not find the ’ouse again. They’re all alike in this street.
MR PERKINS
There’s the broken window.
MRS PERKINS
Let’s ’ave the bits of glass out. Then it won’t be noticed.
[_She peers out into the street. Then she begins to pluck the
fragments of broken glass from the window. She winces and licks her
finger._
MR PERKINS
You’ve cut yourself now.
MRS PERKINS
Never mind that. Polly, pick all the bits off the floor. Don’t leave a
trace.
[_She licks her finger. Polly obeys._
MR PERKINS
Now, what’s all this about?
MISS PERKINS
(_On the floor._) I dunno what’s come over ’er.
MRS PERKINS
’Ere, Polly, look alive. ’Ave y’ got ’em all?
MISS PERKINS
All I can find.
MRS PERKINS
Drat it! A bit’s fallen outside. Go out and pick it up, Pa. No; p’raps
better not.
MR PERKINS
Look here! What’s y’r game?
MRS PERKINS
Give here! (_She takes all the fragments together and puts them under
the sofa cushion. She looks round the room, listens at the window and
returns to her darning_.) If anyone comes, mind we know nothin’ about
it.
MR PERKINS
It depends ’oo comes, doesn’t it?
MRS PERKINS
No.
MR PERKINS
It might be the police.
MRS PERKINS
Never mind the police.
MR PERKINS
Why! What d’ y’ mean? What _do_ y’ mean?
MRS PERKINS
It’s the chanct of a lifetime. We’ll take it.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma!
MR PERKINS
Look ’ere----
MRS PERKINS
It’s come to us. It might a’ bin the answer to a prayer.
MR PERKINS
Was it?
MRS PERKINS
Not exactly, but I’ve been thinkin’ a lot.
MR PERKINS
More likely the devil.
MRS PERKINS
There’s no such thing. Y’re talkin’ nonsense.
MR PERKINS
No devil. Then is there God?
MRS PERKINS
There may be. ’E may ’av sent it.
MR PERKINS
It’s awful talk, this.
MISS PERKINS
Why! What could you do with it?
MRS PERKINS
Chop it up and sell it.
MR PERKINS
Where?
MRS PERKINS
In South America.
MR PERKINS
Good ’eavens!
MISS PERKINS
Ma, how can you?
MR PERKINS
’Ave y’ took leave of y’r senses?
MRS PERKINS
Yes, if y’ like.
MR PERKINS
Well, I’ve ’eard tell as women aren’t honest like men and now I know it.
MRS PERKINS
’Ow do I know you’re honest?
MR PERKINS
I’ve never took a thing in my life. I’ve a record, ’aven’t I?
MRS PERKINS
I dessay. I dunno. I won’t give it up. I won’t. I won’t. So there!
MR PERKINS
’Ow can y’ ’elp it?
MRS PERKINS
I’ve sat there darnin’ and mendin’, waitin’ and dozin’ till I’m tired.
I’ve never ’ad a go at anythin’. The chanct ’as come.
MISS PERKINS
I did think you were honest, Ma.
MRS PERKINS
Honest! It’s ours.
MR PERKINS
’Ow can it be?
MRS PERKINS
’Oo’s is it?
MR PERKINS
Why! That Grand Cham’s.
MRS PERKINS
An’ ’ow did ’e get it? ’E’s a tyrant. ’E stole it off some nigger. Now
it’s come to me. It’s mine. It’s mine as much as anyone’s. It’s come
like a miracle.
MISS PERKINS
But you can’t keep it.
MR PERKINS
Y’r ma amazes me.
MRS PERKINS
First thing in the mornin’ y’ll get a list o’ them ships sailin’ for
South America.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma! Ma!
MR PERKINS
She’s off ’er chump.
MRS PERKINS
I’ll go alone if y’ like.
MR PERKINS
It’s dangerous. It’s dangerous. There may be a revolver levelled at y’
now.
MRS PERKINS
I don’t care.
MR PERKINS
I never knew she was like this.
MISS PERKINS
South America? Where?
MRS PERKINS
Y’ shall ’ave jewels and dresses no end, Polly.
MISS PERKINS
Don’t, Ma.
MR PERKINS
South America! Like that chap Jabez Balfour.
MISS PERKINS
He was brought back, wasn’t he?
MR PERKINS
I object to be put along of ’im, any’ow.
MRS PERKINS
We’d manage better than that. Riches! Livin’ at ease. Motors an’
champagne. We’ve never ’ad a chanct!
MR PERKINS
It can’t be done. It’s all nonsense. An’ it’s ’orrible to think of.
MRS PERKINS
Oh! It’s a beautiful thing. I couldn’t bear to break it up. We’ll keep
it. We’ll look at it now and then. Every Sunday.
MR PERKINS
Sunday!
MRS PERKINS
I could go on settin’ ’ere if I knew it was there all the time. I think
I could be ’appy.
MISS PERKINS
You’d never be safe.
MRS PERKINS
Safe! I’ve bin too safe.
MR PERKINS
Oh, missis! Oh, missis!
MISS PERKINS
It’s strange nobody’s come.
MRS PERKINS
Nobody’s comin’. It’s a gift.
MR PERKINS
It may not be--what y’ think.
MRS PERKINS
(_Fiercely._) It is.
MR PERKINS
Then they’ll be after us. Police--or worse.
MRS PERKINS
Let ’em come.
[_There is a ring at the door-bell. They all stand tense._
MR PERKINS
Now, there.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, dear!
MRS PERKINS
You’ll not say a word. You’ll do as I tell you. Mind that. We know
nothing.
MISS PERKINS
There’s the window.
MRS PERKINS
Leave that to me.
MR PERKINS
Oh! But, I say----
MRS PERKINS
Thomas Perkins, you’ll rue it to your dyin’ day if----
[_The ring again._
MR PERKINS
Who’s goin’?
MRS PERKINS
I am. Remember!
[_She goes out._
MISS PERKINS
What are we to do, Pa?
MR PERKINS
Eh! I’m beat.
MISS PERKINS
Shall we throw it out of the window?
MR PERKINS
No, no. Best not. Humour her a bit. It may be nothin’.
MRS PERKINS
(_Outside._) No, you don’t. ’Ere. I tell yer----
STRANGER
Excuse me.
MRS PERKINS
Pa, ’ere’s a man forcin’ ’is way----
MISS PERKINS
Oh, dear!
MR PERKINS
Dash it all! I say!
[_Mrs Perkins and a dark Stranger, dressed in black, enter together.
She is resisting his advance, but he presses on ruthlessly. As he enters
she gives way and changes her tactics._
MRS PERKINS
Well, I must say! Pushin’ a lady about like that! What bis’ness ’ave y’
’ere?
STRANGER
I’ve told you, madam.
MRS PERKINS
A fine tale! Y’r boy an’ ’is glass marble! Where is ’e? I tell yer we
know nothin’ about it. Do we, Pa?
[_Behind the Stranger, with a terrific frown, she shakes her fist at
him._
MR PERKINS
(_Feebly blustering_.) Now what’s all this?
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma!
MRS PERKINS
Shut up!
STRANGER
I’m sorry to intrude, sir, but I’ve lost something in your room.
MRS PERKINS
What nonsense! ’Ow could yer?
STRANGER
As I have told this lady, my little boy----
MRS PERKINS
Where is ’e?
STRANGER
(_To Mr Perkins_.) His favourite glass marble. He pretended to
throw it. It slipped from his hand and, I am sorry to say, went through
your window. I apologise and shall be glad to pay. Please give me
the--marble at once. Where is it? I’ve no time to lose.
MRS PERKINS
Where’s the boy?
STRANGER
He’s just round the corner.
MRS PERKINS
D’ y’ expect us to believe that tale?
STRANGER
(_With a flash of menace._) You’d better. (_To Mr Perkins_.)
Now, sir!
MR PERKINS
It’s a bit thick, y’ know; I mean thin.
STRANGER
It will have to do. No trifling. Come!
[_He is looking about the room, having cursorily glanced at the floor.
He strides to the window and pulls down the blind._
MRS PERKINS
None o’ y’r liberties here. Get out!
MR PERKINS
’Ere, y’ know! _(Aside to Mrs Perkins_.) Ma, I don’t like it.
STRANGER
The devil! Where’s the glass?
MRS PERKINS
What glass?
STRANGER
The pane’s gone. You see! I knew this was the house.
MRS PERKINS
That’s easy explained.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma! Tell him and----
MRS PERKINS
Of course I’ll tell ’im. (_She menaces Miss Perkins surreptitiously_.)
It’s my daughter’s newfangled ideas of ventilation. She would ’ave it
so. It’s been that way a fortnight. No--let’s see--to-day’s Tuesday.
Nigh on a month.
STRANGER
Damnation! Where is it? Where’s the diamond?
MRS PERKINS
(_With a shriek of exultation._) The diamond!
STRANGER
Yes, let me tell you then. Your lives are in danger. You’ve got the
Grand Cham’s diamond.
MR PERKINS
’Ow did it get ’ere?
STRANGER
The thief was pursued. He threw it in.
MR PERKINS
(_Querulously._) Why did ’e throw it in ’ere?
STRANGER
Don’t be a fool.
MRS PERKINS
An’ ’oo are you?
STRANGER
I am--the Grand Cham’s representative.
MRS PERKINS
Prove it.
STRANGER
Enough of this.
[_He draws a revolver. Miss Perkins shrieks. Mr Perkins recoils and
edges away. Mrs Perkins stands firm._
MR PERKINS
Ma! Ma!
STRANGER
(_Rapping the butt of the revolver on the table._) Where is it?
MRS PERKINS
I’ll tell yer.
STRANGER
At once.
MRS PERKINS
I’ve swallered it.
STRANGER
(_Greatly discomposed._) What!
MRS PERKINS
It went down as easy as a oyster.
STRANGER
Swallowed it! You’re joking!
MRS PERKINS
No. I got the idea out of the evenin’ paper. Where is it, Pa? ’Ere.
“Child swallows Shillin’. Curious Case.”
STRANGER
(_To the others_.) Is this true?
MISS PERKINS
Oh, I don’t know.
MR PERKINS
Y’ see, I was asleep.
STRANGER
Asleep!
MR PERKINS
Wasn’t I, Mother?
MRS PERKINS
’E’d sleep through anythin’.
STRANGER
D’ you mean to say----? Where is it?
MRS PERKINS
I’ve just told yer.
STRANGER
On your oath----
MRS PERKINS
Oath! D’ y’ doubt the word of a lady?
STRANGER
Then--d’ you feel it--I mean--whereabouts is it now?
MRS PERKINS
I don’t think that’s a question a gentleman ’d ask.
STRANGER
Kites of hell! You’ll have to be cut open.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, I won’t.
STRANGER
(_To himself._) Cremation? Would it melt the diamond?
MRS PERKINS
I won’t be cremated. There! Y’ ’ve to get the deceased’s consent. I’m
goin’ to be buried when my time comes.
STRANGER
(_Pacing about in agitation while Mrs Perkins controls the others by
nods and winks._) What’s to be done? An emetic?
MRS PERKINS
You’d better go ’ome an’ say it’s lost.
STRANGER
Unhappy woman! Do you understand that your life is a trifle, a pawn in
the game?
MRS PERKINS
Pawn! Yes, an’ y’ can’t get it out without the ticket.
STRANGER
It’s impossible. It can’t be. (_He turns on the others._) The
truth! Did she swallow it? If she did, she dies.
MISS PERKINS
Oh, no, no. She didn’t.
MRS PERKINS
You silly!
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma!
MR PERKINS
Ma, Ma, what can we do?
MRS PERKINS
Y can ’old y’r tongues. Y’re no ’elp at all.
STRANGER
What folly this is! What can you do with it? That diamond means death to
you. Death! Destruction! You haven’t a chance of keeping it. You’re mad.
Your lives now are not worth a minute’s purchase.
MISS PERKINS
Give it up, Ma. I’ll tell you where it is. It’s----
MRS PERKINS
(_In a terrible voice._) Stop!
MR PERKINS
What can you do, Ma? Chuck it! Chuck it!
MRS PERKINS
’E don’t bluff me. ’E’s in a great ’urry. I believe ’e’s the thief.
STRANGER
Thousand devils! We’re wasting time. (_He looks at the clock and then
plucks out his watch._) Your clock’s slow. It’s stopped. It was that
time when I came in.
MISS PERKINS
Tell him. Tell him.
MR PERKINS
Oh, chuck it!
STRANGER
(_Perceiving that he is getting “warm.”_) What stopped the
clock?
MISS PERKINS
(_Hysterically._) Give it ’im.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, I’m ashamed of yer.
[_A face appears at the window, but they do not see it._
STRANGER
Is it there?
[_He makes for the clock, and Mrs Perkins throws herself in front._
MRS PERKINS
No, it’s not; and y’ shan’t meddle with my furniture.
STRANGER
(_Pointing the revolver at her_.) Move aside!
MRS PERKINS
Move aside yerself.
STRANGER
(_He hesitates, then turns the revolver on Miss Perkins._) Is it
there? Quick!
[_Miss Perkins shrieks, a hand with a revolver in it is thrust through
the empty pane, the revolver is fired, the Stranger drops his, stamps,
curses, and wrings his hands. A man opens the window-sash and springs
into the room._
MISS PERKINS
Albert!
MRS PERKINS
What! It’s Albert.
[_The Stranger rushes to the switch and turns off the light. Darkness,
shouting, and confusion. The light is turned on. The furniture is
disarranged, the Stranger and the clock have gone, the others are
distributed about the room, Mrs Perkins sitting in the chair she first
occupied._
ALBERT
Who’s got it?
MR PERKINS
He’s gone.
MISS PERKINS
Oh! Albert!
ALBERT
Where’s the diamond?
MR PERKINS
It was in the clock.
ALBERT
The clock? Where is it?
MISS PERKINS
Oh! Albert!
MR PERKINS
’E’s taken it. ’E’s got the clock.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, ’e ’asn’t.
[_She produces the clock from under her petticoats._
MR PERKINS
Well, I’m blowed!
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Ma!
ALBERT
What is it? Have you got it?
MRS PERKINS
I’ve got it right enough.
[_She carries the clock to the chimneypiece, opens it, and takes out
the diamond._
Will that gentleman come back?
ALBERT
No, he won’t.
MRS PERKINS
How d’ y’ know?
ALBERT
I know.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, just put that blind back, will yer? I don’t like bein’ too
public.
MISS PERKINS
Oh! I daren’t.
ALBERT
Now, ma’am, give it to me.
MRS PERKINS
Eh?
ALBERT
Let’s have it. Quick.
MRS PERKINS
Where d’ you come in, Albert?
ALBERT
Come on. This’ll be the making o’ me.
MRS PERKINS
O’ me too, I ’ope. But ’adn’t we all better be movin’?
MISS PERKINS
Where to, Ma?
MRS PERKINS
Out at the back door. Pack a few things in a bag.
ALBERT
What are y’ up to? Whad’ y’r mean?
MRS PERKINS
Now, Albert, there’s no time to make explanations. We’re all in at this,
aren’t we?
ALBERT
Well--in a way. But look here----
MRS PERKINS
South America’s the place, isn’t it? D’ y’ know anythin’ o’ the
sailin’s! Or ’ad we better cross to France? Better take the midnight
train somewhere.
ALBERT
Has she gone dotty?
MRS PERKINS
Y’re all asleep. Come on, Polly. A few things in a bag. Now, Pa. Better
put this light out p’raps. Is the front door shut? Look at the
time-table, Pa.
[_She is making for the door when Albert intercepts her._
ALBERT
Give me the diamond. I dunno what y’re talkin’ about.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, I stick to this.
ALBERT
You can’t! What nonsense! Give it here! This job’s the making o’ me.
Let’s have it.
MRS PERKINS
Nay, it’s mine an’ I’ll stick to it.
ALBERT
Yours!
MRS PERKINS
Yes. Dimonds like this belongs to them as can get ’em. Nobody’s honest
with things like this. I got it an’ y’ shall all share. But it’s mine.
It’s mine. Eh! It’s a beauty. I’d stick to this if all the p’lice in
London was after me.
ALBERT
Y’d do what?
MRS PERKINS
Ay, an’ Scotland Yard too.
ALBERT
Bah! _I_’m Scotland Yard.
MRS PERKINS
What!
MISS PERKINS
Oh! Albert!
ALBERT
Didn’t y’ know? Didn’t y’ guess? Didn’t y’ understand? What did y’ take
me for?
MRS PERKINS
D’y mean to say----?
ALBERT
I mean t’ say it’s ’igh time I was on my way back with this dimond. The
gang’s all rounded up by this time.
MISS PERKINS
The gang?
MR PERKINS
That feller was one of ’em, then? Where is he?
ALBERT
He was copped when he left ’ere. Y’ didn’t know y’r ’ouse was
surrounded.
MRS PERKINS
But ’ow did the dimond come ’ere? ’Oo threw it in?
ALBERT
I did.
MISS PERKINS
You!
MR PERKINS
You did!
ALBERT
I did that.
MR PERKINS
Why?
ALBERT
Becos they were after me. I was a dead man if I stuck to it then. I
threw it in ’ere to gain time and knowin’ the ’ouse.
MISS PERKINS
Well, I never!
ALBERT
They’re a desp’rate lot.
MR PERKINS
It’s all most unusual. Never since I’ve been an ’ouse’older ’ave I----
MISS PERKINS
Oh, Albert! You might ’ave told me.
ALBERT
I ’ad my reasons.
MRS PERKINS
Y’re a detective, then?
ALBERT
I am that. So let’s ’ave it. I tell yer I must be off.
MRS PERKINS
(_Holding up the diamond, but away from him._) Look at it, Albert!
ALBERT
I see it.
MRS PERKINS
Can y’ be honest? Look at it!
ALBERT
She’s off ’er chump.
MR PERKINS
She doesn’t reelly mean it. I’ve borne a ’igh character all my life.
MRS PERKINS
(_Passionately._) It’s _my_ dimond.
MISS PERKINS
I’m ashamed of my ma.
MR PERKINS
My employers ’as always put the utmost confidence in me.
ALBERT
What’s she up to? Now ma’am, you’ll just ’and that over or----
MRS PERKINS
Or?
ALBERT
(_He produces a whistle._) I wouldn’t ’andle yer myself.
MRS PERKINS
That’s it, is it?
ALBERT
That’s it.
MRS PERKINS
Then let it go the way it came.
[_She throws it through the window._
MR PERKINS
’Old on. There’s another pane gone!
ALBERT
O ’ell!
[_He rushes out._
MISS PERKINS
You’ll ruin us, Ma.
MRS PERKINS
(_Dusting one hand against the other._) A good shuttance.
MISS PERKINS
(_At the window._) Oh! I hope he’ll find it. There he is, and a
policeman’s with him. They’ve got it, I think. Yes. Albert, Albert! I
wish he’d look up. They’re seeing if it’s damaged. There! He’s waved his
hand.
MRS PERKINS
(_She has settled into her chair_.) Well, we’ve ’ad quite a busy
evenin’.
MISS PERKINS
I don’t know what Albert’ll think of you.
MRS PERKINS
’E’s not going to marry me, thank ’eaven.
MR PERKINS
D’ y’ want t’ know what _I_ think of yer?
MRS PERKINS
Go on! Y’ve no ’magernation.
MISS PERKINS
I never thought to be ashamed of my own mother.
MR PERKINS
Wantin’ in the very el’ments of morality. I wonder ’ow Sossiety ’d get
on if they was all like you.
MRS PERKINS
Polly, put up that blind. It’s a bit chilly with them broken panes.
MISS PERKINS
Most unladylike as well.
[_They settle down into their chairs again. Mrs Perkins takes up her
darning and Mr Perkins the paper. After putting up the blind Miss
Perkins returns to her puzzle._
MRS PERKINS
’Ow much did y’ say it was worth, Pa?
MR PERKINS
(_Gruffly._) Never mind.
MRS PERKINS
Well, I ’ad my bit o’ fun for onct.
CURTAIN
Transcriber’s Note
This transcription is based on the 1924 edition published by Gowans
& Gray in London and Glasgow. Scanned images of a copy made available by
the Bodleian Library are posted by Google:
https://books.google.com/books?id=B2MVAAAAQAAJ
The following changes were made to the printed text:
--The formatting of stage directions following lines—that is, those
that begin with an opening square bracket—has been standardized.
--Pg 34: _As he enters she gives way and changes her tactics_—Added
a period to the end of the sentence.
--Pg 37: Prove it—Added a period to the end of the line.
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